You change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Yeah, you PMS like a bitch. I would know. And you over think. Always speak critically. I should know that you’re no good for me. Cause you’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down. You’re wrong when it’s right. It’s black and it’s white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up. You don’t really want to stay, no, but you don’t really want to go.
Katy Perry - “Hot N Cold”

I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I believe that wall is my new found limit. I’m not sure I can take any more while at this wall. I wish he would step up and be the partner I need him to be.

Work is going well in terms of promotion. I’m definitely in the newest group to run the SE gauntlet; we’re being put to the test in various aspects and I’m leading the pack. That sounds really conceited but it’s true. I’ve been told that they’d rather lose me as a dispatcher to gain me as an SE because I have the ability to do the job of 4 dispatchers if the need arises. An SE doesn’t actually do the work of 4 dispatchers but we’ll oversee anywhere from 2 to 4 dispatchers on a normal day and up to 8 dispatchers on an abnormal day.

I proved myself last week when I was overseeing the following: All of Philadelphia, Montgomery, Bucks, Delaware, and Chester counties in PA, the PA mountain regions that we dispatch for, Mercer and Burlington counties in NJ as well as Atlantic City and Cape May county. The other person who was SEing? He had Ocean, Monmouth, Middlesex counties as well as the other random NJ counties… all of which were under tight control by the dispatchers. And he still lost his fucking mind. I wound up taking over half of his half of dispatch so that I was overseeing 3/4 of the center.

I’ve proved myself so much that while we have one supervisor on shift at work, for the last two days, he’s set my phone skills in the supervisor queue and given me temporary supervisor authorization just so I can help him out when he gets backed up. I got to tell someone today that, when they demanded a supervisor, I was it. It was awesome.

Money is a little tight this week. I get paid on Friday so we’ll be fine but we’re still sort of playing Beat The Clock. The rent money should hit the rental office on Thursday and the check should clear the bank on Friday. If it clears on Thursday it will just hit the credit line and we’ll be okay. Still, money will be tight this month:

Bill: Comcast
Bill: PECO
Charlie: Vet (checkup, shots, neuter)
My Car: needs new tires
And then the normal payments I have to make to various banks and credit agencies. I pride myself on never being more than 30 days late on anything. Yay! Go me!

Rick went through a scare at work as they were letting people go again. One of the guys in his department got cut. He seemed to be the only one worth anything so I really worry for Rick’s sanity while at work. But I doubt he’ll actively look for a new job. That’s not really his style. Hell, it’s not even his style to get a second job. I’ve considered it but the only hours I’d be able to work would be a midnight shift somewhere. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that around here given my apprehension about being Out after dark. I’m not exactly a fan of my neighborhood. Ugh.

Going to San Diego in October. Ticket was a whopping $5 (yay airline points) all paid for (money/points) by my mother. That was a huge help there. Also driving to Grand Rapids, MI two weeks before that because my aunt is getting married to her partner. Best wishes to them both.

Congrats to Shawna on her engagement.

Am I missing anything?

Couldn’t ask for a better day, two by two. To the ring to the right point of view. Each retreat to the corner that’s definied by you. To the ring to the right point of… Lonely Reign. She is the Boxer; she knows when and where to strike. He is the Boxer; he knows no peaceful sleep tonight
Carbon Leaf - “The Boxer”

Work
I don’t believe I’ve done an all-work entry in quite some time; usually because I have other things to prattle on about.

But today was not a good day. Not in the least. Not five minutes after I walked in did the entire network go down. Dispatch system, call receive system, internet, any and all connections. The only things that worked were the actual phones themselves and the nextel system. The phones only worked because we could log out and off the network and log back in to the secondary system. The nextel phones aren’t on any network at all.

So we were on paper. Meaning, someone calls in “I need road service” and their information is taken down by pen and paper. These papers are then shuffled off and organized by center (Hamilton/HOC or Newark/NOC). The Hamilton calls were walked over and faxed in where they were collected by two runners who need a serious lesson on NJ and PA cities. Papers are handed over to the dispatchers, often being re-directed to the correct dispatcher, and the dispatcher gets to figure out which shop is going to do that call. Then the dispatcher calls them, dispatches the call, and moves on to the next one.

The system was down from 3pm to 5pm. I did not get control over the Delaware and Chester counties until almost 9pm. I’d taken one 10 minute break to use the restroom and take a breather. Otherwise, I was not leaving unless I was forcibly removed. The entire booth was walking a very thin line, bordering on losing complete control. As long as my drivers ran the calls they had, it would survive.

Yes. The ETAs sucked completely. Some members had been waiting for four hours for service. But these were the exceptions. They were in the areas where I had one driver running and these people were going 10+ miles. I was bringing drivers into the area to specifically take these calls (and giving them anything else they could handle along the way). The people have my sympathies but there was really not much that I could do. My resources were completely exhausted. They were lucky we had anyone at all.

Come to find out, when I left at 9pm to take my lunch break… my SE/Service Expeditor (oversees certain booths) walked over to the other dispatcher and asked if I was really that poor of a dispatcher or if it was just a bad day. WHAT?? First of all, he has no business being an SE. He has admitted this numerous times. He certainly has no business watching over the Delaware/Chester/Mongomery/Bucks counties. Secondly, I can dispatch in circles around him. He was the one who had a mental breakdown today over the workload and stress… not me. I was flustered, yes. But never once did I lose my cool. Thirdly, How. Dare. He. Not once did he ever actually offer to help. When he finally asked, I told him what he could do. “Oh, um. Yeah I don’t know who would do that… sorry.” or “Yeah, I’m not supposed to do that. That’s your job.” If you aren’t going to help, don’t offer to help and then act like I’m not doing a fucking thing.

Needless to say, I’m extremely mad at him for the comment he made - which, of course, got back to me.

I say to myself: Self, why are you awake again? It’s one a.m., standing with the fridge wide open, staring. Such a sight, florescent light. The stars are bright. Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but as it is, I might watch TV cause it’s nice to see people more messed up than me. I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall. It’s gonna be all right, no matter what they say. It’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see. It’s gonna be alright, cause I’m alright with me. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be, it’s gotta be.
Jewel - “Good Day”

Magick
Oddly enough, a friend of mine at work has asked that I do whatever I think I can to help her out. Her karma has been really twisted around lately. She’s in a lot of pain physically from kidney stones. She’s got a lot of emotional pain she still hasn’t worked through. She feels very Broken. And she wants me to see what I can do.

So I’ve been focusing my extra energy on her. For health and healing. I’m still searching for a crystal to have her wear, to absorb the negative energies around her rather than letting them get to her. But I haven’t found anything I liked yet. They have to feel right, if that makes any sense. I’m also going to burn some candles for her and purify her living space. She can use all the help she can get right now.

But it feels weird to be working Magick for someone else upon their request. And it’s not going against the three-fold because the only gain is inner peace and health. We aren’t trying to gain riches, seek love, etc. It just feels weird. Mostly because everyone I’ve always been surrounded with has been so against anything I would have offered that I never bother. She was raised Catholic. Yeah. Just weird.

Of course, I am more than happy to do whatever I can. She’s an amazing person and it hurts to see her going through all she’s been through for the last few months.

We’ll see how this works out.

Charlie
This cat is an absolute crack-up. I almost typed “crack-head” right there, stopped, pondered, and realized it wouldn’t have been an error, really. No, kitty doesn’t do cocaine but there is definitely something off in the feline’s brain. In a good way. Gives him a lot of personality. He fetches. He high-fives. And he spends hours just laying or sitting between the blinds and the sliding glass door or window. He’s very affectionate and already knows when Mommy is mad. And that Mommy + mad = run-and-hide-and-look-super-cute.

I’ll have more pictures to post up over the weekend.

He and Sugar are getting along very well. He bullied her at first. Then she retaliated and he realized that he wasn’t at the top of the hierarchy. He loves to get into her cage and chill at the bottom. Or take over her sleeping next/hanging box-thing. Which is fitting since she steals his toys and is a bully about his food and water dishes.

Work
It’s been a pain in the ass since summer really hit and travel season started up. Not as many people are out on the roads this year, due to the gas prices and such. But that also means that not a lot of drivers are around to run the calls we do have. So it gets frustrating. I’ve been playing the role of Service Expediter more and more frequently - which both pleases and annoys me. I want them to promote me into the official title so I can get a raise in pay. I could really use that extra $3-$4/hour!

Meh.

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light’s always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I’d cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up, on love. On love.
Anna Nalick - “Wreck of the Day”

Wow, it’s been awhile since my last update. Which is funny because a lot has gone on but nothing so large that it’s really noteworthy.

First and foremost, I move on the 30th to another apartment. We got approved and it will be a one bedroom place. This is really going to be a sort of make-ir-or-break-it deal for us. There won’t be a third wheel to place blame on, no one else to be stressed over. Just me and Rick. And a kitten. And a ferret. And Lili… eventually. We move on the 30th. Today is the 24th 25th. We have very little packed up. So my stress level is rising.

Comcast is just making me increasingly annoyed, though. I’ve tried three times to cancel my cable and phone services with them (and keep the internet) but they’ve screwed it up repeatedly, including a too-early cancellation where I came home and the services were all turned off… a week and a half early. I called them up and they were confused. “Well, M’am, it shows here that you were looking to transfer your services.” to which I said “Yes. On the 30th. As I set up.” The poor male on the other end of the phone got a panicked edge to his voice and quickly put me on hold. They got the dates screwed up.

I was told I could do my cancellation over the internet/chat service they have available. This is how my conversation went: (and yes the analysts moniker was “Princess”)

user Danika has entered room

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:26 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Want to cancel phone and cable service

analyst Princess has entered room

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:35 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello Danika, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Princess. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:39 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello! How are you?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:51 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine, how are you?

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:30:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m glad to hear that you are fine!

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:07 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine too. Thanks for asking.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:54 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I understand that you want to cancel your Comcast Services. May I know why?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:36 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m moving on the 30th (we have a transfer set up) but the cable is provided by the complex and we don’t need the phone service

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:50 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I want to keep the internet service… I just won’t need the cable/phone any longer

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:09 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m honestly sad upon knowing that and I understand your situation.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Cancelation is beyond my scope of work. For cancelation of services, please call 1-800-266-2278.

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:37:27 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Oh, I was told by another Comcast representative that I could do it online. My apologies

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:34:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> No problem. You really need to call for cancellation of services.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:04 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Is there anything else I can help you with?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:38:41 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> OK. Nope, but you have a great rest of your shift

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:36:02 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Thank you for that.

I could just imagine this woman sitting there glaring at her screen thinking ‘thank you for the reminder, bitch.’ LMAO

Work has been difficult lately, mostly due to the lack of competent dispatchers available. The only good thing to this is that I’m outshining many and separating myself in terms of being in line for the next open SE position… which is just the next step to management.

But I’m exhausted now. And I’m not even done with Comcast yet. Holy shit I’ve been on the phone for almost an hour now.

We couldn’t say them, so now we just pray them: words that we couldn’t say. Funny, aint it? Games people play. Scratch it, paint it, one in the same. We couldn’t find them, so we tried to hide them: Words that we couldn’t say. It hurts, don’t it? Fools on parade. taint it, own it, chase it away. We couldn’t make them, so we had to break them: Words that we couldn’t say. Sometimes baby, we make mistakes. Dark and hazy, prices we pay. I seat here in my shelf, just talking to myself: Words that we couldn’t say.
Yoko Kanno - “Words We Couldn’t Say”

Words I can’t seem to say. So I’ll let the proverbial pen say them for me.

• Maybe I’m neurotic, as you say, because I’m overcompensating for your lack of caring and worry. It has to even out somewhere, right? And maybe a little less Asshole is required for us to work.
• Do you enjoy tearing me apart, tearing me down?
• What will I bitch about when we move out? You, undoubtedly. It’s not like you’ve changed at all.
• Do you want me to stay?
• You just don’t get it. The word “sorry” is not a nasty word. In fact, should it be spoken, a lot of things would be made better. But “sorry” seems to be completely missing from your vocabulary.
• I am not your mother.
• You’re an arrogant asshole. I hate you for it. And I hate that none of my friends like you at all. It hurts to hear from them all that I can do so much better. Do something about it and prove them wrong.
• Oh, and your choice in music sucks.

Chase the high ground - where you’d rather be; where you might be found. Face all aglow, to leave from here; to pack up and go. But it takes some time to get away and you will have to build from what remains. To run it takes the courage of a lamb. To love, the fierceness of a storm. Paloma, you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder. Everyone’s staring , but no one is caring for you now. Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze. Just take the leap… and you’re free.
Carbon Leaf - “Paloma”

I came home, relaxed for about an hour before going over to Ron’s house to let the dog out and check on the kittens. The plan tonight was that Rick was going to sleep at Ron’s house since he’d have to be over there early in the morning to let the dog out anyway. It would also give me the chance to sleep without him snoring and flopping on me during the night. I’m exhausted and it didn’t really hit me until today just how much so.

Imagine my surprise when I’m in the bedroom cleaning it up and Rick walks in. He said goodnight and that he was going to go brush his teeth and go to bed. I just sort of stood there looking at him and he asked if I was done cleaning. I said I was finished enough and sort of trailed off. He said “Good because I’m tired.” I stared at him and finally said “I thought you were staying at Ron’s tonight…”

Don’t get me wrong. I love him. I do. But I cannot stand when he changes plans at the last minute and doesn’t inform me in any way. It’s bad enough that he rarely lets me in on what’s going on - it’s worse when he can’t even hold himself to those plans. That’s why our anniversary was such a big deal: HE had to make the plans and keep them.

I just want him to talk to me. And he wonders why I don’t bother talking to him - yet he seemingly wants me to check in with him while I’m at work. Sorry, buddy, I don’t really work that way.

Baby, now that I’ve found you I won’t let you go. I built my world around you. I need you so, baby, even though you don’t need me now. Baby, baby, when first we met I knew in this heart of mine that you were someone I couldn’t forget. I said right and I bide my time. I spent my life looking for that somebody to make me feel like new. Now you tell me that you want to leave me. But darling, I just can’t let you.
Alison Krauss - “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You”

First off, lyrics are not meant for current events. Rick isn’t leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just like the song. Moving on…

So I didn’t get nearly as much done as I would have liked. But rather than stress about them all, I’m doing what I can when I can. I got caught up on ONE game but that was the easiest to get caught up on. I worked on my website a little bit. Played around with this blog, as can be proven by the right-hand column. Look! I joined Twitter! My name there is killingedge. I’m still tweaking it and learning about it so bear with me.

Angel arrives on Saturday. I’ll get out of work and join up with she and Shawna. Don’t really have any set plans as of this moment. I’m sure I’ll be bitchy from work seeing as how I’ll be in Mont/Bucks and they’ve been pissy lately. Stupid drivers. I swear they’re worse than kindergarten children. Except for James from 5467/3435, Phil and Jeff from 9503, and “Other Dave” from 3739. Those are my favorites. James has the sexiest voice you’ll ever hear over a nextel. Jeff and “Other Dave” (his boss is nicknamed “Super Dave”) I swear are vocal twins. Dave’s is just slightly lower than Jeff’s voice. Phil is a sweetheart. He’s my ‘lost Duke boy’ - always has a kind word for me, is always polite, and is a good ‘ol boy He’s taken to calling me ‘Baby’ lately, rather than sweetheart, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Oh well. Love him anyway.

Meh. I really don’t feel like writing any more. I’m drained from work still.

Like a bird in flight, I am running from myself. No help and no where to hide. You are close behind and the reason I won’t stay. No way to be by your side. You are always working on me. I’m gravity when you’re around. Down I go like a domino. You fall and I fall baby. It’s out of my control. And I am thrown like a domino. You started something and I can’t stop it now. Always looked away, but with you I want to stare. I don’t care. A sight to be saved. And it’s beautiful. But you’ve got me on the edge; no ledge and nothing to hold.
Alana Grace - “Domino”

I need to stop making these posts bi-weekly. I just get home and I’m so drained. Work, sleep, work, sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I would love to break free from.

Today is Mother’s Day. I hate this day. It’s like the one day out of the year that my mother demands 100% attention - everything is about her. At least this year I’m across the country. She gets a card and a phone call. I did the flower delivery thing last week for her birthday.

According to my mother, Lili is pulling her hair out again. Mother: she’s a neurotic cat. Me: she’s an attention starved cat. I need to get her out here. The weather is warming up but now we’re going to be moving again! Do I wait until July?? I want my cat but do I move her twice in as many months or do I wait to be settled before I bring her to me and let her get settled in?

I vacuumed the apartment Friday night. Arm & Hammer carpet powder, Febreeze, the whole nine yards. It smells SO good in here. Then, shock of all shocks, the roommate got the hint and cleaned the bathroom! OMG! I thought I’d walked into the Twilight Zone or something! But I’m SO happy it got done - and it was about damned time he pitched in around here. The bathroom was going to be the biggest task on my list. Now I just need to do another cleaning of the kitchen, straighten up the apartment more, and clean the bedroom.

Angel is here as of this coming Saturday! I’m so excited!!

My goals for this weekend:
o1. finish the rest of the cleaning
o2. laundry
o3. work on website
o4. get caught up in RPGs

Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the heroes saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive. But you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe. Be strong. Believe.
Yellowcard - “Believe”

Same shit, different day.

Rick and I looked into Nolan Park apartments. Very much not my cup of tea but there are enough positives to eclipse the negatives. Namely that Rick’s stepfather is a police officer in Falls Township and that right there makes me feel 10x more safe. If I happened to be home alone and felt unsafe, all I’d have to do is call him and either he’d stop by or send another officer to check on me. No questions asked. There is a full-size washer and dryer in the unit. I don’t remember if there was a dishwasher or not but that’s fine. I do everything by hand 95% of the time anyway. It’s Rick who prefers to use the dishwasher. The place looks straight out of the 70’s but, eh, that’s okay I guess.

Work is a mess. I’m so tired of everyone just being out for themselves. It’s a team atmosphere. If one person fails, it affects not only their booth, but their pod and SE. Then, the angry members filter into the inbound queue and that member could fuck up that dispatcher’s booth. It all rolls downhill at that point. But no one seems to care. I’m tired of picking up the lazy people’s slack.

Angel is coming soon. SOON! Rick got a little frowny at the fact that I took a whole week off, thinking that I’d ‘wasted my vacation’ on her visit. Then I commented that since she’s probably the only one who would be out to visit me, I’d better take advantage of it.

Whatever. I’ve still got more time in my ‘time off bank’ so STFU.

R A N D O M . Q U E S T I O N S . A N S W E R E D
If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be?
LOL like “Tommy February”? Um, December Lily (not spelled right but you know what I mean)

Are you biracial?
Not in the sense of the question but yes. Mostly Irish and Italian. I’m a redhead who talks with her hands

What was the last movie you watched?
theater: Enchanted
at home: Lion King 1 1/2

If you could change one thing that happened last year, what would it be?
1. Stop my dad from doing the electroshock therapy
2. Postpone my move to PA

Are you afraid of shots?
Not afraid but I hate hate HATE needles.

What is the nearest yellow object to you?
Tidy Cats pail

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear?
Hard to say. I’m so auditory that I’d be freaked out about losing an ear. But a hand? Uh… I guess I’d rather lose a hand and use a prosthetic?

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called?
“Freak of Nature” fits nicely.

Who were the last 3 non-related people you hung out with?
Rick, Daniela, Casey, and Jenn. Yes, it’s four. But Rick was most recent and the other three were all at once. So… yeah.

You wait, wanting this world to let you in. And you stand there a frozen light in dark and empty streets. You smile hiding behind a God-given face. But I know you’re so much more. Everything they ignore is all that I need to see. You’re the only one I ever believed in, the answer that could never be found, the moment you decided to let love in. Now I’m banging on the door of an angel. The end of fear is where we begin the moment we decided to let love in.
Goo Goo Dolls - “Let Love In”

First: my pages have been worked on. Links are at the top and to the right. “Mirror Mirror” is my pictures and “The Voices” are songs for download. Enjoy!

I spent today, my day off, doing chores and cleaning like a madwoman. Oh, wait. This is just like every other Monday. The fact that I get little to no help around the apartment with two grown men living here is wearing very thin. None of what I’ve done today has been hard. They’re just lazy. It wouldn’t be as bad if they worked more than I do. But they don’t. I work just as hard as they do yet I feel like it’s expected of me because I’m female. I’ve left things out for them to do, not saying a word… and none of it ever gets done. I finally get so disgusted that I just take care of it myself.

Talked to the woman at the apartment complex I’m looking at. I’d say ‘we’ but Rick hasn’t done much. Just tells me to call them and get it taken care of.

He tried to tell me that all of my worries and stresses have a dollar sign attached to them. Those words just told me that he thinks I’m materialistic or something which pisses me off. The number one cause of relationships failing is money/financial problems. And he just appears to not give a rat’s ass. My instant reaction is to protect and take care of him. It really should be the other way around. He brought me out here. He should Protect and Take Care Of.