.& 016. You’ll Never Change If You Just Run Away

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems. No one ever warns or bothers to explain of the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there’s no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within. Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way if you will learn to begin to trust the voice within. Young girl, don’t hide; You’ll never change if you just run away. Young girl, just hold tight. Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day. Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold when you’re lost outside look inside to your soul. When there’s no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within. Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way if you will learn to begin to trust the voice within.
Christina Aguilera – “The Voice Within”

I did a little bit of thinking over the last week. I was examining the person I am now, comparing it against the person who I was even three years ago. I don’t think I am where I want to be just yet but I’ve moved so much closer to that Person I want to be; if anything, I am proud that I’ve moved away from the Me that I hated.

The limits of my patience have been tested time and time again. And even when I feel like I’ve fallen and broken into many pieces, I’ve picked myself back up again and been stronger for it.

The only thing that I still become very fragile about is my father. I can’t even begin to think about what I would have done had he succeeded in ending his life. I can’t imagine it. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it; it’s just such a foreign idea that I cannot even fathom it.

But even that aside, I’ve become a stronger person. I no longer let myself be the doormat for everyone around me. I had always stood up for myself when it came to certain things but I was still very weak. Now? I choose my battles very carefully. I do not flee when I do not want to fight. Rather, I build my strength of will and carefully gather my wits about me so that if I feel like I’ve broken, I can fix myself. No one else will fix me. No one else can fix me.

I think it’s a bit funny that I can see these changes and some people don’t believe me when I say things. Like I mentioned to Rick that I was going to say something to my grandmother about her childish actions and he scoffed at me, pretty much calling me a liar; that I wouldn’t have said anything. It hurt, but only a surprisingly small amount. I think that I have come to accept two things in regards to our relationship:

1. I am willing to pretend to be what he thinks I am.
2. I don’t care that he doesn’t see who I’m becoming.

On the first on, it sounds a bit depressing. But do not take it the wrong way: I am not a butterfly of a girl that he has trapped in a glass jar. I am willing to be patient and continue my growth while I let him catch the glimpses and make his own decisions on what he sees. Until the day comes that we have both decided who I am, I will make the choice on whose version I like better. But until then, I don’t really mind that he doesn’t see me how I would like him to see me. I am content.