Baby, now that I’ve found you I won’t let you go. I built my world around you. I need you so, baby, even though you don’t need me now. Baby, baby, when first we met I knew in this heart of mine that you were someone I couldn’t forget. I said right and I bide my time. I spent my life looking for that somebody to make me feel like new. Now you tell me that you want to leave me. But darling, I just can’t let you.
Alison Krauss – “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You”

First off, lyrics are not meant for current events. Rick isn’t leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just like the song. Moving on…

So I didn’t get nearly as much done as I would have liked. But rather than stress about them all, I’m doing what I can when I can. I got caught up on ONE game but that was the easiest to get caught up on. I worked on my website a little bit. Played around with this blog, as can be proven by the right-hand column. Look! I joined Twitter! My name there is killingedge. I’m still tweaking it and learning about it so bear with me.

Angel arrives on Saturday. I’ll get out of work and join up with she and Shawna. Don’t really have any set plans as of this moment. I’m sure I’ll be bitchy from work seeing as how I’ll be in Mont/Bucks and they’ve been pissy lately. Stupid drivers. I swear they’re worse than kindergarten children. Except for James from 5467/3435, Phil and Jeff from 9503, and “Other Dave” from 3739. Those are my favorites. James has the sexiest voice you’ll ever hear over a nextel. Jeff and “Other Dave” (his boss is nicknamed “Super Dave”) I swear are vocal twins. Dave’s is just slightly lower than Jeff’s voice. Phil is a sweetheart. He’s my ‘lost Duke boy’ – always has a kind word for me, is always polite, and is a good ‘ol boy He’s taken to calling me ‘Baby’ lately, rather than sweetheart, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Oh well. Love him anyway.

Meh. I really don’t feel like writing any more. I’m drained from work still.

Like a bird in flight, I am running from myself. No help and no where to hide. You are close behind and the reason I won’t stay. No way to be by your side. You are always working on me. I’m gravity when you’re around. Down I go like a domino. You fall and I fall baby. It’s out of my control. And I am thrown like a domino. You started something and I can’t stop it now. Always looked away, but with you I want to stare. I don’t care. A sight to be saved. And it’s beautiful. But you’ve got me on the edge; no ledge and nothing to hold.
Alana Grace – “Domino”

I need to stop making these posts bi-weekly. I just get home and I’m so drained. Work, sleep, work, sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I would love to break free from.

Today is Mother’s Day. I hate this day. It’s like the one day out of the year that my mother demands 100% attention – everything is about her. At least this year I’m across the country. She gets a card and a phone call. I did the flower delivery thing last week for her birthday.

According to my mother, Lili is pulling her hair out again. Mother: she’s a neurotic cat. Me: she’s an attention starved cat. I need to get her out here. The weather is warming up but now we’re going to be moving again! Do I wait until July?? I want my cat but do I move her twice in as many months or do I wait to be settled before I bring her to me and let her get settled in?

I vacuumed the apartment Friday night. Arm & Hammer carpet powder, Febreeze, the whole nine yards. It smells SO good in here. Then, shock of all shocks, the roommate got the hint and cleaned the bathroom! OMG! I thought I’d walked into the Twilight Zone or something! But I’m SO happy it got done – and it was about damned time he pitched in around here. The bathroom was going to be the biggest task on my list. Now I just need to do another cleaning of the kitchen, straighten up the apartment more, and clean the bedroom.

Angel is here as of this coming Saturday! I’m so excited!!

My goals for this weekend:
o1. finish the rest of the cleaning
o2. laundry
o3. work on website
o4. get caught up in RPGs

Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the heroes saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive. But you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe. Be strong. Believe.
Yellowcard – “Believe”

Same shit, different day.

Rick and I looked into Nolan Park apartments. Very much not my cup of tea but there are enough positives to eclipse the negatives. Namely that Rick’s stepfather is a police officer in Falls Township and that right there makes me feel 10x more safe. If I happened to be home alone and felt unsafe, all I’d have to do is call him and either he’d stop by or send another officer to check on me. No questions asked. There is a full-size washer and dryer in the unit. I don’t remember if there was a dishwasher or not but that’s fine. I do everything by hand 95% of the time anyway. It’s Rick who prefers to use the dishwasher. The place looks straight out of the 70′s but, eh, that’s okay I guess.

Work is a mess. I’m so tired of everyone just being out for themselves. It’s a team atmosphere. If one person fails, it affects not only their booth, but their pod and SE. Then, the angry members filter into the inbound queue and that member could fuck up that dispatcher’s booth. It all rolls downhill at that point. But no one seems to care. I’m tired of picking up the lazy people’s slack.

Angel is coming soon. SOON! Rick got a little frowny at the fact that I took a whole week off, thinking that I’d ‘wasted my vacation’ on her visit. Then I commented that since she’s probably the only one who would be out to visit me, I’d better take advantage of it.

Whatever. I’ve still got more time in my ‘time off bank’ so STFU.

R A N D O M . Q U E S T I O N S . A N S W E R E D
If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be?
LOL like “Tommy February”? Um, December Lily (not spelled right but you know what I mean)

Are you biracial?
Not in the sense of the question but yes. Mostly Irish and Italian. I’m a redhead who talks with her hands

What was the last movie you watched?
theater: Enchanted
at home: Lion King 1 1/2

If you could change one thing that happened last year, what would it be?
1. Stop my dad from doing the electroshock therapy
2. Postpone my move to PA

Are you afraid of shots?
Not afraid but I hate hate HATE needles.

What is the nearest yellow object to you?
Tidy Cats pail

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear?
Hard to say. I’m so auditory that I’d be freaked out about losing an ear. But a hand? Uh… I guess I’d rather lose a hand and use a prosthetic?

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called?
“Freak of Nature” fits nicely.

Who were the last 3 non-related people you hung out with?
Rick, Daniela, Casey, and Jenn. Yes, it’s four. But Rick was most recent and the other three were all at once. So… yeah.

You wait, wanting this world to let you in. And you stand there a frozen light in dark and empty streets. You smile hiding behind a God-given face. But I know you’re so much more. Everything they ignore is all that I need to see. You’re the only one I ever believed in, the answer that could never be found, the moment you decided to let love in. Now I’m banging on the door of an angel. The end of fear is where we begin the moment we decided to let love in.
Goo Goo Dolls – “Let Love In”

First: my pages have been worked on. Links are at the top and to the right. “Mirror Mirror” is my pictures and “The Voices” are songs for download. Enjoy!

I spent today, my day off, doing chores and cleaning like a madwoman. Oh, wait. This is just like every other Monday. The fact that I get little to no help around the apartment with two grown men living here is wearing very thin. None of what I’ve done today has been hard. They’re just lazy. It wouldn’t be as bad if they worked more than I do. But they don’t. I work just as hard as they do yet I feel like it’s expected of me because I’m female. I’ve left things out for them to do, not saying a word… and none of it ever gets done. I finally get so disgusted that I just take care of it myself.

Talked to the woman at the apartment complex I’m looking at. I’d say ‘we’ but Rick hasn’t done much. Just tells me to call them and get it taken care of.

He tried to tell me that all of my worries and stresses have a dollar sign attached to them. Those words just told me that he thinks I’m materialistic or something which pisses me off. The number one cause of relationships failing is money/financial problems. And he just appears to not give a rat’s ass. My instant reaction is to protect and take care of him. It really should be the other way around. He brought me out here. He should Protect and Take Care Of.

They tell you where you need to go. They tell you when you’ll need to leave. They tell you what you need to know. They tell you who you need to be. But everything inside you knows there’s more than what you’ve heard; there’s so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
Switchfoot – “On Fire”

It’s not that a lot has been happening. It’s more like “the same shit, just a different day” and it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I take a step forward and get knocked two steps back. It feels like I can’t win sometimes. It’s never a good time to talk, it’s always we’ll do this or we’ll do that but these things seem to be forgotten or they just keep getting put off. I love him. But there needs to be more of an effort on both our parts to make this relationship work and make it worth something. Because right now, he’s far too comfortable and I’m far too busy pretending that everything is OK. It’s sad that he only notices when I can’t fool him. To him, I’m just being Moody when in actuality I’m about to Break and he can’t see the difference.

We got our tax returns back – yay! – and mine immediately went into my savings account. His immediately went to pay back the “checking plus” feature on the bank account. Basically, CitiBank has this option to have a Checking Plus addition to your checking account. It acts as a line of credit, covering overdrafts rather than charging you fees. This line of credit, however, accrues interest just as a credit card would. It comes in VERY handy since it is linked to the checking account and can be used to make sure the checks don’t bounce (i.e. RENT…) – but Rick has been making the mistake of referring to it as a credit card. It is not. It is a line of credit that was extended to me due to my own credit. Damn right his tax return goes to pay that off immediately! The rest of it just went to the state of California because he owed $308. I still don’t understand how he owes them money – especially that much. But it has happened every year so far that I’ve known him.

Mine is sitting nice ‘n snug in my savings account (with WaMu) but will undoubtedly be tapped for an emergency coming up in the next few weeks. Rick’s maternal grandmother is dying. They do not expect her to last two weeks. He won’t fly there to say his goodbyes but he’ll have to fly down for the funeral. I wish we had the funds to get him down there to say his goodbyes but we don’t. So it’s a pick-and-choose at this point. I don’t know. We’ll have to see what happens.

Still have Sugar. Shawna of Megan-Online couldn’t keep her after her breakup with Asshole Boyfriend. I’m hoping, for Shawna’s sake, that my fostering is truly only that: fostering. I don’t mind having a ferret around but if I’d been in her shoes I would have been devastated. We’ve agreed to re-evaluate her circumstances come May.

Smooches.

Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around? Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you missed out? Things are never gonna be the way you want. Where’s it gonna get you acting serious? Things are never gonna be quite what you want. Even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
Jimmy Eat World – “Praise Chorus”

We sat on the couch tonight, with me resting against him and legs slung over his lap. “I’m sorry things have been so difficult lately. It’s going to get better.” And I believe him. I don’t need to be some damsel in distress, I don’t need some hero to come and rescue me. But in that moment, I felt safe and I believed him.

Even given my last entry, I believe him. I trust him. He is getting one last big chance. We will live together, by ourselves, with no roommate to contend with. No outsider in our partnership to intrude upon my personal space, no annoyances that I can’t deal with because of my inability to hurt someone I still feel is a stranger. In doing so, it will be the final chance and the final test.

At that point, I’ll have exhausted all my resources, all my emotions, all of my time and energy… and I can let it go. It’s the final piece of my doubts. The last bit of “but what if…” that exists in my mind.

If I am going to pick myself up and put myself back together, I need to erase the final doubt from my mind so that I can breathe freely and know that I’ve made the right decision – either way it goes. I am not setting him up to fail. I am going to see if he succeeds and strengthens us in the process.

Do not cry for me. You can’t fix me, anymore than you can fix anyone who isn’t ready to be fixed. I’m not ready to fixed by someone else. I’ll never be ready. I need to fix myself and regain that piece of me. Just be there to steady me should I stumble on the way. I love you, too.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There’s always some reason to feel not good enough; and it’s hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh beautiful release, memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight.Sarah Mclachlan – “Angel”

I feel broken. Like there is a piece of me just missing. I felt like I was getting it back, that I needed more time to re-find that piece of me that was missing. That maybe, just maybe, if I found it that I’d be happier. And maybe I’d figure out if he liked that piece of me at all.

I spent most of the day defending him to my friends. I spent the day arguing that I love him, and I can’t leave him; that I’m not strong enough or it’s just not that bad. It’s not that love is blind. I can see it. I know, in my head, what I would be telling myself if asked for my own advice. But my heart is torn. I want to stay. I love him. But if I’m to survive as Myself, I can’t. I know this. I know this. But every time I think about it, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t stand the idea of being away from him. I love him. But in loving him, I’ve forgotten myself.

Angel: The truth of the matter is you’re not okay and you haven’t been for a long time. You’ve changed TREMENDOUSLY since you’ve been out there and the strength I used to admire in you is gone. You’ve been/felt defeated for a long time and I’ve known it and felt it. Every time I talk to you I hear that in your voice and it kills me. It really does.

And it disgusts me that I’ve lost that strength.