Feels like the weight of the world; like God in heaven gave me a turn. Don’t cling to me, I swear I can’t fix you. Still in the dark, can you fix me? Freefall, freefall, all through life. If you love me, then let go of me. I won’t be held down by who I used to be. She’s nothing to me. Feels like the weight of the world; like all my screaming has gone unheard. And oh, I know you don’t believe in me. Safe in the dark, how can you see? Freefall, freefall, all through life.
Evanescence – “Weight of the World”

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and mostly because I haven’t had the mental energy to pull on the emotional strings. Truth be told, I still don’t. But this is a release I require.

On December 11th of 2008, my father attempted to end his own life by means of overdosing on a myriad of anti-depressants and sleep-aid medication at his fingertips. Everything was prescribed to him by his doctors.

Needless to say, the entire ordeal has been very traumatic and has taken a large toll on me mentally and emotionally. Physically I am still exhausted but I cannot attribute that to the events of the last month since I’m used to physical exhaustion.

My dad and I drove out here, leaving San Diego on the 2nd of January with my cat, Lili. She did very well in the car. Dad and I didn’t talk about his suicide attempt or anything of the sort. We reached PA on January 4th and began the process of letting the cats meet and greet each other. My aunt Joyce called me the next day and wanted to get into specifics of the drive while my father was about 30 feet away. Then she gave me attitude about why I didn’t talk to him about his suicide attempt while we were in the car. She acted like I’d failed and that I was pathetic. I’m still so very very angry at her for how she handled everything.

I spoke with my aunt Carol the day after and told her about Joyce and why my dad and I hadn’t talked; he didn’t want to even touch the subject. I read body language very well and pick up on emotions. He very much did not want to talk about it. So I didn’t push. Carol agreed with me, that it was my call to make and sometimes it is better to proceed with life as normal after something like this.

My dad, myself, Rick, and Rick’s parents all went out to dinner that Monday night. It was raining fairly hard and I, as always, told Rick to put his seatbelt on. My father is very adamant about people wearing their seatbelts; he passed this on to his children. Rick, trying to act cocky, gave me attitude about it. My dad piped up with “You owe it to my daughter to wear your seatbelt.”

As I found out yesterday, Rick’s automatic response to that was going to be “and you owe it to your daughter to not kill yourself” but refrained. When he told me this last night, it felt like he’d punched me in the gut. I still haven’t really dealt with things.

I’m still so angry at my father. And I’m terrified, still, that he is going to try again and succeed this time.

Who would give me away at my wedding?
He wouldn’t get to see Kyle graduate.
He wouldn’t get to meet either of my brothers’ First Girlfriends.
Should any of us three have a child, he wouldn’t get to meet his first grandchild.
& he would never be called “Grandpa” to his face.

Ironically enough, I’d mailed a Christmas card out to my father on December 10th that was fairly sappy. It went on to say that I was finally beginning to find myself while I was out here and that I didn’t think I’d have gotten this far without him. He didn’t get the card, of course, until he was out of the hospital and I was there by that time so I didn’t push it upon him for him to read.

I’m just drained. I feel broken.

While I was gone, Rick was so amazing. He was so very patient and kept telling me to stay out in CA as long as I needed to, even though he missed me desperately. It was a waiting game and a day-by-day reanalysis of the situation with no real set date for the return.

But then I got back home and it’s just business as usual. I cry way too often, I’m not getting much help in the apartment, and I feel like he feels I’m just his little housewife because he’s bringing home the bacon. The problem is, I’m bringing home almost 50% of our household income. Yet I’m paying all the bills and I’ve been paying rent since he’d been laid off. Even January’s rent – and I’d missed out on over a week’s worth of pay because my Paid Time Off ran out while I was in CA. He didn’t have the money. So I took care of it. Again.

This month, he supposedly has the rent money already saved up and put away so I don’t have to worry about it. That will be a relief because I seriously ran up my American Express while I was in California. Rental cars, plane tickets, groceries, gas… It was the only way I even had the money in my bank account to handle the rent. Maybe, subconsciously, I knew that was going to happen.

I’m just tired of it. I am not asking to be taken care of. I’m just asking that it not all fall on me. Not the finances, not the chores… none of it.

I just wanna scream and lose control; throw my hands up and let it go. Forget about everything and run away, yeah. I just wanna fall and lose myself. Laughing so hard it hurts like hell. Forget about everything and run away, yeah. So-so’s how I’m doing, if you’re wondering. I’m in a fight with the world but I’m winning. Stay there, come closer it’s at your own risk. Yeah you know how it is life can be a bitch.
Avril Lavigne – “Runaway”

First, I just need to say that if you have a kitten or are getting one and need to get the first shots, check-up, and neutering done: go through Banfield at the Petsmart stores. They have a Wellness program that is like $200-something dollars for the year, payable over 12 months. It covers all the vaccinations and the alteration or declawing. We’ve already saved $500+ on Charlie. Speaking of Charlie, he is getting so big! I think he’s finally reached his full size. He’s grown into his ears! 10 lbs, 6 oz. And he’s not fat! He’s got a bit of what I call a ‘pudge-pudge’ but it’s minimal. He’s a very active cat.

Second, the trip to MI was… well it wasn’t a disaster but I wasn’t comfortable at all. Rick and I left here by like 8am and made it to Grand Rapids, MI in 11.5 hours. Rick did all the driving. (I offered! He refused!) The wedding was the next day. I managed to look hot so that was a huge plus. I got there and found a few of the agents from KW back in Los Angeles who are still friends of Lisa and they’d flown out for the wedding. They didn’t recognize me at first. That was amusing. But then I find out from my aunt Joyce that no one thought I was coming. Why? Because I’d RSVPed but not actually made contact with anyone otherwise to try and find a hotel/lodging or to get directions.

Uh. The address was ON the invite. I work for AAA. I do this shit for a living. Not to mention, I’m a big girl. I can figure out lodging on my own. In fact, I got a really nice hotel room for cheap and it was within 15 minutes of Lisa’s house. Nyaaaaah~! But it really hurt that they all just assumed that I was going to not show up. No, it actually hurt a lot. I get that I haven’t spoken to anyone except for my father since my grandmother’s funeral last year (in August). But it’s not like any of them have made any attempts. It goes both ways.

It was an open bar and everyone was drinking during the short ceremony. I was drunk within 3 hours. Good times. We left shortly after that and drove home the next day.

On Friday, Rick got layed off from his job. They cited the economic troubles, which is good because they can’t try and keep him from getting unemployment.

I’m still not sure what we’re going to do. Everything is up in the air at this point. We don’t know when the unemployment money is going to kick in or how much it is going to be. The only ray of light in this is that this is one of the months that I’m getting three checks. The first check paid October’s rent. The third check will pay November’s rent. The second check will pay my bills and be my gas/food money.

Very stressed right now.

He and I haven’t talked a whole lot yet about the future. Mostly, I think, because we’re both trying so desperately to not freak out and not let the other freak out.

I’m still going to CA, though. My ticket is already paid for. Non-refundable since it was paid for with the points. It would be completely stupid to not take the break I so desperately need.

On a side note: I’m completely in love with the new show Valentine!

Like a bird in flight, I am running from myself. No help and no where to hide. You are close behind and the reason I won’t stay. No way to be by your side. You are always working on me. I’m gravity when you’re around. Down I go like a domino. You fall and I fall baby. It’s out of my control. And I am thrown like a domino. You started something and I can’t stop it now. Always looked away, but with you I want to stare. I don’t care. A sight to be saved. And it’s beautiful. But you’ve got me on the edge; no ledge and nothing to hold.
Alana Grace – “Domino”

I need to stop making these posts bi-weekly. I just get home and I’m so drained. Work, sleep, work, sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I would love to break free from.

Today is Mother’s Day. I hate this day. It’s like the one day out of the year that my mother demands 100% attention – everything is about her. At least this year I’m across the country. She gets a card and a phone call. I did the flower delivery thing last week for her birthday.

According to my mother, Lili is pulling her hair out again. Mother: she’s a neurotic cat. Me: she’s an attention starved cat. I need to get her out here. The weather is warming up but now we’re going to be moving again! Do I wait until July?? I want my cat but do I move her twice in as many months or do I wait to be settled before I bring her to me and let her get settled in?

I vacuumed the apartment Friday night. Arm & Hammer carpet powder, Febreeze, the whole nine yards. It smells SO good in here. Then, shock of all shocks, the roommate got the hint and cleaned the bathroom! OMG! I thought I’d walked into the Twilight Zone or something! But I’m SO happy it got done – and it was about damned time he pitched in around here. The bathroom was going to be the biggest task on my list. Now I just need to do another cleaning of the kitchen, straighten up the apartment more, and clean the bedroom.

Angel is here as of this coming Saturday! I’m so excited!!

My goals for this weekend:
o1. finish the rest of the cleaning
o2. laundry
o3. work on website
o4. get caught up in RPGs