I say to myself: Self, why are you awake again? It’s one a.m., standing with the fridge wide open, staring. Such a sight, florescent light. The stars are bright. Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but as it is, I might watch TV cause it’s nice to see people more messed up than me. I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall. It’s gonna be all right, no matter what they say. It’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see. It’s gonna be alright, cause I’m alright with me. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be, it’s gotta be.
Jewel – “Good Day”

Magick
Oddly enough, a friend of mine at work has asked that I do whatever I think I can to help her out. Her karma has been really twisted around lately. She’s in a lot of pain physically from kidney stones. She’s got a lot of emotional pain she still hasn’t worked through. She feels very Broken. And she wants me to see what I can do.

So I’ve been focusing my extra energy on her. For health and healing. I’m still searching for a crystal to have her wear, to absorb the negative energies around her rather than letting them get to her. But I haven’t found anything I liked yet. They have to feel right, if that makes any sense. I’m also going to burn some candles for her and purify her living space. She can use all the help she can get right now.

But it feels weird to be working Magick for someone else upon their request. And it’s not going against the three-fold because the only gain is inner peace and health. We aren’t trying to gain riches, seek love, etc. It just feels weird. Mostly because everyone I’ve always been surrounded with has been so against anything I would have offered that I never bother. She was raised Catholic. Yeah. Just weird.

Of course, I am more than happy to do whatever I can. She’s an amazing person and it hurts to see her going through all she’s been through for the last few months.

We’ll see how this works out.

Charlie
This cat is an absolute crack-up. I almost typed “crack-head” right there, stopped, pondered, and realized it wouldn’t have been an error, really. No, kitty doesn’t do cocaine but there is definitely something off in the feline’s brain. In a good way. Gives him a lot of personality. He fetches. He high-fives. And he spends hours just laying or sitting between the blinds and the sliding glass door or window. He’s very affectionate and already knows when Mommy is mad. And that Mommy + mad = run-and-hide-and-look-super-cute.

I’ll have more pictures to post up over the weekend.

He and Sugar are getting along very well. He bullied her at first. Then she retaliated and he realized that he wasn’t at the top of the hierarchy. He loves to get into her cage and chill at the bottom. Or take over her sleeping next/hanging box-thing. Which is fitting since she steals his toys and is a bully about his food and water dishes.

Work
It’s been a pain in the ass since summer really hit and travel season started up. Not as many people are out on the roads this year, due to the gas prices and such. But that also means that not a lot of drivers are around to run the calls we do have. So it gets frustrating. I’ve been playing the role of Service Expediter more and more frequently – which both pleases and annoys me. I want them to promote me into the official title so I can get a raise in pay. I could really use that extra $3-$4/hour!

Meh.

Baby, now that I’ve found you I won’t let you go. I built my world around you. I need you so, baby, even though you don’t need me now. Baby, baby, when first we met I knew in this heart of mine that you were someone I couldn’t forget. I said right and I bide my time. I spent my life looking for that somebody to make me feel like new. Now you tell me that you want to leave me. But darling, I just can’t let you.
Alison Krauss – “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You”

First off, lyrics are not meant for current events. Rick isn’t leaving me, I’m not leaving him. I just like the song. Moving on…

So I didn’t get nearly as much done as I would have liked. But rather than stress about them all, I’m doing what I can when I can. I got caught up on ONE game but that was the easiest to get caught up on. I worked on my website a little bit. Played around with this blog, as can be proven by the right-hand column. Look! I joined Twitter! My name there is killingedge. I’m still tweaking it and learning about it so bear with me.

Angel arrives on Saturday. I’ll get out of work and join up with she and Shawna. Don’t really have any set plans as of this moment. I’m sure I’ll be bitchy from work seeing as how I’ll be in Mont/Bucks and they’ve been pissy lately. Stupid drivers. I swear they’re worse than kindergarten children. Except for James from 5467/3435, Phil and Jeff from 9503, and “Other Dave” from 3739. Those are my favorites. James has the sexiest voice you’ll ever hear over a nextel. Jeff and “Other Dave” (his boss is nicknamed “Super Dave”) I swear are vocal twins. Dave’s is just slightly lower than Jeff’s voice. Phil is a sweetheart. He’s my ‘lost Duke boy’ – always has a kind word for me, is always polite, and is a good ‘ol boy He’s taken to calling me ‘Baby’ lately, rather than sweetheart, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Oh well. Love him anyway.

Meh. I really don’t feel like writing any more. I’m drained from work still.

Like a bird in flight, I am running from myself. No help and no where to hide. You are close behind and the reason I won’t stay. No way to be by your side. You are always working on me. I’m gravity when you’re around. Down I go like a domino. You fall and I fall baby. It’s out of my control. And I am thrown like a domino. You started something and I can’t stop it now. Always looked away, but with you I want to stare. I don’t care. A sight to be saved. And it’s beautiful. But you’ve got me on the edge; no ledge and nothing to hold.
Alana Grace – “Domino”

I need to stop making these posts bi-weekly. I just get home and I’m so drained. Work, sleep, work, sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I would love to break free from.

Today is Mother’s Day. I hate this day. It’s like the one day out of the year that my mother demands 100% attention – everything is about her. At least this year I’m across the country. She gets a card and a phone call. I did the flower delivery thing last week for her birthday.

According to my mother, Lili is pulling her hair out again. Mother: she’s a neurotic cat. Me: she’s an attention starved cat. I need to get her out here. The weather is warming up but now we’re going to be moving again! Do I wait until July?? I want my cat but do I move her twice in as many months or do I wait to be settled before I bring her to me and let her get settled in?

I vacuumed the apartment Friday night. Arm & Hammer carpet powder, Febreeze, the whole nine yards. It smells SO good in here. Then, shock of all shocks, the roommate got the hint and cleaned the bathroom! OMG! I thought I’d walked into the Twilight Zone or something! But I’m SO happy it got done – and it was about damned time he pitched in around here. The bathroom was going to be the biggest task on my list. Now I just need to do another cleaning of the kitchen, straighten up the apartment more, and clean the bedroom.

Angel is here as of this coming Saturday! I’m so excited!!

My goals for this weekend:
o1. finish the rest of the cleaning
o2. laundry
o3. work on website
o4. get caught up in RPGs

Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the heroes saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive. But you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe. Be strong. Believe.
Yellowcard – “Believe”

Same shit, different day.

Rick and I looked into Nolan Park apartments. Very much not my cup of tea but there are enough positives to eclipse the negatives. Namely that Rick’s stepfather is a police officer in Falls Township and that right there makes me feel 10x more safe. If I happened to be home alone and felt unsafe, all I’d have to do is call him and either he’d stop by or send another officer to check on me. No questions asked. There is a full-size washer and dryer in the unit. I don’t remember if there was a dishwasher or not but that’s fine. I do everything by hand 95% of the time anyway. It’s Rick who prefers to use the dishwasher. The place looks straight out of the 70′s but, eh, that’s okay I guess.

Work is a mess. I’m so tired of everyone just being out for themselves. It’s a team atmosphere. If one person fails, it affects not only their booth, but their pod and SE. Then, the angry members filter into the inbound queue and that member could fuck up that dispatcher’s booth. It all rolls downhill at that point. But no one seems to care. I’m tired of picking up the lazy people’s slack.

Angel is coming soon. SOON! Rick got a little frowny at the fact that I took a whole week off, thinking that I’d ‘wasted my vacation’ on her visit. Then I commented that since she’s probably the only one who would be out to visit me, I’d better take advantage of it.

Whatever. I’ve still got more time in my ‘time off bank’ so STFU.

R A N D O M . Q U E S T I O N S . A N S W E R E D
If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be?
LOL like “Tommy February”? Um, December Lily (not spelled right but you know what I mean)

Are you biracial?
Not in the sense of the question but yes. Mostly Irish and Italian. I’m a redhead who talks with her hands

What was the last movie you watched?
theater: Enchanted
at home: Lion King 1 1/2

If you could change one thing that happened last year, what would it be?
1. Stop my dad from doing the electroshock therapy
2. Postpone my move to PA

Are you afraid of shots?
Not afraid but I hate hate HATE needles.

What is the nearest yellow object to you?
Tidy Cats pail

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear?
Hard to say. I’m so auditory that I’d be freaked out about losing an ear. But a hand? Uh… I guess I’d rather lose a hand and use a prosthetic?

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called?
“Freak of Nature” fits nicely.

Who were the last 3 non-related people you hung out with?
Rick, Daniela, Casey, and Jenn. Yes, it’s four. But Rick was most recent and the other three were all at once. So… yeah.

They tell you where you need to go. They tell you when you’ll need to leave. They tell you what you need to know. They tell you who you need to be. But everything inside you knows there’s more than what you’ve heard; there’s so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
Switchfoot – “On Fire”

It’s not that a lot has been happening. It’s more like “the same shit, just a different day” and it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I take a step forward and get knocked two steps back. It feels like I can’t win sometimes. It’s never a good time to talk, it’s always we’ll do this or we’ll do that but these things seem to be forgotten or they just keep getting put off. I love him. But there needs to be more of an effort on both our parts to make this relationship work and make it worth something. Because right now, he’s far too comfortable and I’m far too busy pretending that everything is OK. It’s sad that he only notices when I can’t fool him. To him, I’m just being Moody when in actuality I’m about to Break and he can’t see the difference.

We got our tax returns back – yay! – and mine immediately went into my savings account. His immediately went to pay back the “checking plus” feature on the bank account. Basically, CitiBank has this option to have a Checking Plus addition to your checking account. It acts as a line of credit, covering overdrafts rather than charging you fees. This line of credit, however, accrues interest just as a credit card would. It comes in VERY handy since it is linked to the checking account and can be used to make sure the checks don’t bounce (i.e. RENT…) – but Rick has been making the mistake of referring to it as a credit card. It is not. It is a line of credit that was extended to me due to my own credit. Damn right his tax return goes to pay that off immediately! The rest of it just went to the state of California because he owed $308. I still don’t understand how he owes them money – especially that much. But it has happened every year so far that I’ve known him.

Mine is sitting nice ‘n snug in my savings account (with WaMu) but will undoubtedly be tapped for an emergency coming up in the next few weeks. Rick’s maternal grandmother is dying. They do not expect her to last two weeks. He won’t fly there to say his goodbyes but he’ll have to fly down for the funeral. I wish we had the funds to get him down there to say his goodbyes but we don’t. So it’s a pick-and-choose at this point. I don’t know. We’ll have to see what happens.

Still have Sugar. Shawna of Megan-Online couldn’t keep her after her breakup with Asshole Boyfriend. I’m hoping, for Shawna’s sake, that my fostering is truly only that: fostering. I don’t mind having a ferret around but if I’d been in her shoes I would have been devastated. We’ve agreed to re-evaluate her circumstances come May.

Smooches.

Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around? Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you missed out? Things are never gonna be the way you want. Where’s it gonna get you acting serious? Things are never gonna be quite what you want. Even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
Jimmy Eat World – “Praise Chorus”

We sat on the couch tonight, with me resting against him and legs slung over his lap. “I’m sorry things have been so difficult lately. It’s going to get better.” And I believe him. I don’t need to be some damsel in distress, I don’t need some hero to come and rescue me. But in that moment, I felt safe and I believed him.

Even given my last entry, I believe him. I trust him. He is getting one last big chance. We will live together, by ourselves, with no roommate to contend with. No outsider in our partnership to intrude upon my personal space, no annoyances that I can’t deal with because of my inability to hurt someone I still feel is a stranger. In doing so, it will be the final chance and the final test.

At that point, I’ll have exhausted all my resources, all my emotions, all of my time and energy… and I can let it go. It’s the final piece of my doubts. The last bit of “but what if…” that exists in my mind.

If I am going to pick myself up and put myself back together, I need to erase the final doubt from my mind so that I can breathe freely and know that I’ve made the right decision – either way it goes. I am not setting him up to fail. I am going to see if he succeeds and strengthens us in the process.

Do not cry for me. You can’t fix me, anymore than you can fix anyone who isn’t ready to be fixed. I’m not ready to fixed by someone else. I’ll never be ready. I need to fix myself and regain that piece of me. Just be there to steady me should I stumble on the way. I love you, too.