Feels like the weight of the world; like God in heaven gave me a turn. Don’t cling to me, I swear I can’t fix you. Still in the dark, can you fix me? Freefall, freefall, all through life. If you love me, then let go of me. I won’t be held down by who I used to be. She’s nothing to me. Feels like the weight of the world; like all my screaming has gone unheard. And oh, I know you don’t believe in me. Safe in the dark, how can you see? Freefall, freefall, all through life.
Evanescence – “Weight of the World”

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and mostly because I haven’t had the mental energy to pull on the emotional strings. Truth be told, I still don’t. But this is a release I require.

On December 11th of 2008, my father attempted to end his own life by means of overdosing on a myriad of anti-depressants and sleep-aid medication at his fingertips. Everything was prescribed to him by his doctors.

Needless to say, the entire ordeal has been very traumatic and has taken a large toll on me mentally and emotionally. Physically I am still exhausted but I cannot attribute that to the events of the last month since I’m used to physical exhaustion.

My dad and I drove out here, leaving San Diego on the 2nd of January with my cat, Lili. She did very well in the car. Dad and I didn’t talk about his suicide attempt or anything of the sort. We reached PA on January 4th and began the process of letting the cats meet and greet each other. My aunt Joyce called me the next day and wanted to get into specifics of the drive while my father was about 30 feet away. Then she gave me attitude about why I didn’t talk to him about his suicide attempt while we were in the car. She acted like I’d failed and that I was pathetic. I’m still so very very angry at her for how she handled everything.

I spoke with my aunt Carol the day after and told her about Joyce and why my dad and I hadn’t talked; he didn’t want to even touch the subject. I read body language very well and pick up on emotions. He very much did not want to talk about it. So I didn’t push. Carol agreed with me, that it was my call to make and sometimes it is better to proceed with life as normal after something like this.

My dad, myself, Rick, and Rick’s parents all went out to dinner that Monday night. It was raining fairly hard and I, as always, told Rick to put his seatbelt on. My father is very adamant about people wearing their seatbelts; he passed this on to his children. Rick, trying to act cocky, gave me attitude about it. My dad piped up with “You owe it to my daughter to wear your seatbelt.”

As I found out yesterday, Rick’s automatic response to that was going to be “and you owe it to your daughter to not kill yourself” but refrained. When he told me this last night, it felt like he’d punched me in the gut. I still haven’t really dealt with things.

I’m still so angry at my father. And I’m terrified, still, that he is going to try again and succeed this time.

Who would give me away at my wedding?
He wouldn’t get to see Kyle graduate.
He wouldn’t get to meet either of my brothers’ First Girlfriends.
Should any of us three have a child, he wouldn’t get to meet his first grandchild.
& he would never be called “Grandpa” to his face.

Ironically enough, I’d mailed a Christmas card out to my father on December 10th that was fairly sappy. It went on to say that I was finally beginning to find myself while I was out here and that I didn’t think I’d have gotten this far without him. He didn’t get the card, of course, until he was out of the hospital and I was there by that time so I didn’t push it upon him for him to read.

I’m just drained. I feel broken.

While I was gone, Rick was so amazing. He was so very patient and kept telling me to stay out in CA as long as I needed to, even though he missed me desperately. It was a waiting game and a day-by-day reanalysis of the situation with no real set date for the return.

But then I got back home and it’s just business as usual. I cry way too often, I’m not getting much help in the apartment, and I feel like he feels I’m just his little housewife because he’s bringing home the bacon. The problem is, I’m bringing home almost 50% of our household income. Yet I’m paying all the bills and I’ve been paying rent since he’d been laid off. Even January’s rent – and I’d missed out on over a week’s worth of pay because my Paid Time Off ran out while I was in CA. He didn’t have the money. So I took care of it. Again.

This month, he supposedly has the rent money already saved up and put away so I don’t have to worry about it. That will be a relief because I seriously ran up my American Express while I was in California. Rental cars, plane tickets, groceries, gas… It was the only way I even had the money in my bank account to handle the rent. Maybe, subconsciously, I knew that was going to happen.

I’m just tired of it. I am not asking to be taken care of. I’m just asking that it not all fall on me. Not the finances, not the chores… none of it.

I say to myself: Self, why are you awake again? It’s one a.m., standing with the fridge wide open, staring. Such a sight, florescent light. The stars are bright. Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but as it is, I might watch TV cause it’s nice to see people more messed up than me. I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall. It’s gonna be all right, no matter what they say. It’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see. It’s gonna be alright, cause I’m alright with me. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be, it’s gotta be.
Jewel – “Good Day”

Magick
Oddly enough, a friend of mine at work has asked that I do whatever I think I can to help her out. Her karma has been really twisted around lately. She’s in a lot of pain physically from kidney stones. She’s got a lot of emotional pain she still hasn’t worked through. She feels very Broken. And she wants me to see what I can do.

So I’ve been focusing my extra energy on her. For health and healing. I’m still searching for a crystal to have her wear, to absorb the negative energies around her rather than letting them get to her. But I haven’t found anything I liked yet. They have to feel right, if that makes any sense. I’m also going to burn some candles for her and purify her living space. She can use all the help she can get right now.

But it feels weird to be working Magick for someone else upon their request. And it’s not going against the three-fold because the only gain is inner peace and health. We aren’t trying to gain riches, seek love, etc. It just feels weird. Mostly because everyone I’ve always been surrounded with has been so against anything I would have offered that I never bother. She was raised Catholic. Yeah. Just weird.

Of course, I am more than happy to do whatever I can. She’s an amazing person and it hurts to see her going through all she’s been through for the last few months.

We’ll see how this works out.

Charlie
This cat is an absolute crack-up. I almost typed “crack-head” right there, stopped, pondered, and realized it wouldn’t have been an error, really. No, kitty doesn’t do cocaine but there is definitely something off in the feline’s brain. In a good way. Gives him a lot of personality. He fetches. He high-fives. And he spends hours just laying or sitting between the blinds and the sliding glass door or window. He’s very affectionate and already knows when Mommy is mad. And that Mommy + mad = run-and-hide-and-look-super-cute.

I’ll have more pictures to post up over the weekend.

He and Sugar are getting along very well. He bullied her at first. Then she retaliated and he realized that he wasn’t at the top of the hierarchy. He loves to get into her cage and chill at the bottom. Or take over her sleeping next/hanging box-thing. Which is fitting since she steals his toys and is a bully about his food and water dishes.

Work
It’s been a pain in the ass since summer really hit and travel season started up. Not as many people are out on the roads this year, due to the gas prices and such. But that also means that not a lot of drivers are around to run the calls we do have. So it gets frustrating. I’ve been playing the role of Service Expediter more and more frequently – which both pleases and annoys me. I want them to promote me into the official title so I can get a raise in pay. I could really use that extra $3-$4/hour!

Meh.

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light’s always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I’d cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up, on love. On love.
Anna Nalick – “Wreck of the Day”

Wow, it’s been awhile since my last update. Which is funny because a lot has gone on but nothing so large that it’s really noteworthy.

First and foremost, I move on the 30th to another apartment. We got approved and it will be a one bedroom place. This is really going to be a sort of make-ir-or-break-it deal for us. There won’t be a third wheel to place blame on, no one else to be stressed over. Just me and Rick. And a kitten. And a ferret. And Lili… eventually. We move on the 30th. Today is the 24th 25th. We have very little packed up. So my stress level is rising.

Comcast is just making me increasingly annoyed, though. I’ve tried three times to cancel my cable and phone services with them (and keep the internet) but they’ve screwed it up repeatedly, including a too-early cancellation where I came home and the services were all turned off… a week and a half early. I called them up and they were confused. “Well, M’am, it shows here that you were looking to transfer your services.” to which I said “Yes. On the 30th. As I set up.” The poor male on the other end of the phone got a panicked edge to his voice and quickly put me on hold. They got the dates screwed up.

I was told I could do my cancellation over the internet/chat service they have available. This is how my conversation went: (and yes the analysts moniker was “Princess”)

user Danika has entered room

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:26 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Want to cancel phone and cable service

analyst Princess has entered room

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:35 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello Danika, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Princess. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:39 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello! How are you?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:51 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine, how are you?

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:30:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m glad to hear that you are fine!

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:07 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine too. Thanks for asking.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:54 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I understand that you want to cancel your Comcast Services. May I know why?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:36 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m moving on the 30th (we have a transfer set up) but the cable is provided by the complex and we don’t need the phone service

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:50 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I want to keep the internet service… I just won’t need the cable/phone any longer

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:09 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m honestly sad upon knowing that and I understand your situation.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Cancelation is beyond my scope of work. For cancelation of services, please call 1-800-266-2278.

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:37:27 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Oh, I was told by another Comcast representative that I could do it online. My apologies

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:34:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> No problem. You really need to call for cancellation of services.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:04 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Is there anything else I can help you with?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:38:41 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> OK. Nope, but you have a great rest of your shift

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:36:02 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Thank you for that.

I could just imagine this woman sitting there glaring at her screen thinking ‘thank you for the reminder, bitch.’ LMAO

Work has been difficult lately, mostly due to the lack of competent dispatchers available. The only good thing to this is that I’m outshining many and separating myself in terms of being in line for the next open SE position… which is just the next step to management.

But I’m exhausted now. And I’m not even done with Comcast yet. Holy shit I’ve been on the phone for almost an hour now.

Like a bird in flight, I am running from myself. No help and no where to hide. You are close behind and the reason I won’t stay. No way to be by your side. You are always working on me. I’m gravity when you’re around. Down I go like a domino. You fall and I fall baby. It’s out of my control. And I am thrown like a domino. You started something and I can’t stop it now. Always looked away, but with you I want to stare. I don’t care. A sight to be saved. And it’s beautiful. But you’ve got me on the edge; no ledge and nothing to hold.
Alana Grace – “Domino”

I need to stop making these posts bi-weekly. I just get home and I’m so drained. Work, sleep, work, sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I would love to break free from.

Today is Mother’s Day. I hate this day. It’s like the one day out of the year that my mother demands 100% attention – everything is about her. At least this year I’m across the country. She gets a card and a phone call. I did the flower delivery thing last week for her birthday.

According to my mother, Lili is pulling her hair out again. Mother: she’s a neurotic cat. Me: she’s an attention starved cat. I need to get her out here. The weather is warming up but now we’re going to be moving again! Do I wait until July?? I want my cat but do I move her twice in as many months or do I wait to be settled before I bring her to me and let her get settled in?

I vacuumed the apartment Friday night. Arm & Hammer carpet powder, Febreeze, the whole nine yards. It smells SO good in here. Then, shock of all shocks, the roommate got the hint and cleaned the bathroom! OMG! I thought I’d walked into the Twilight Zone or something! But I’m SO happy it got done – and it was about damned time he pitched in around here. The bathroom was going to be the biggest task on my list. Now I just need to do another cleaning of the kitchen, straighten up the apartment more, and clean the bedroom.

Angel is here as of this coming Saturday! I’m so excited!!

My goals for this weekend:
o1. finish the rest of the cleaning
o2. laundry
o3. work on website
o4. get caught up in RPGs

They tell you where you need to go. They tell you when you’ll need to leave. They tell you what you need to know. They tell you who you need to be. But everything inside you knows there’s more than what you’ve heard; there’s so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
Switchfoot – “On Fire”

It’s not that a lot has been happening. It’s more like “the same shit, just a different day” and it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I take a step forward and get knocked two steps back. It feels like I can’t win sometimes. It’s never a good time to talk, it’s always we’ll do this or we’ll do that but these things seem to be forgotten or they just keep getting put off. I love him. But there needs to be more of an effort on both our parts to make this relationship work and make it worth something. Because right now, he’s far too comfortable and I’m far too busy pretending that everything is OK. It’s sad that he only notices when I can’t fool him. To him, I’m just being Moody when in actuality I’m about to Break and he can’t see the difference.

We got our tax returns back – yay! – and mine immediately went into my savings account. His immediately went to pay back the “checking plus” feature on the bank account. Basically, CitiBank has this option to have a Checking Plus addition to your checking account. It acts as a line of credit, covering overdrafts rather than charging you fees. This line of credit, however, accrues interest just as a credit card would. It comes in VERY handy since it is linked to the checking account and can be used to make sure the checks don’t bounce (i.e. RENT…) – but Rick has been making the mistake of referring to it as a credit card. It is not. It is a line of credit that was extended to me due to my own credit. Damn right his tax return goes to pay that off immediately! The rest of it just went to the state of California because he owed $308. I still don’t understand how he owes them money – especially that much. But it has happened every year so far that I’ve known him.

Mine is sitting nice ‘n snug in my savings account (with WaMu) but will undoubtedly be tapped for an emergency coming up in the next few weeks. Rick’s maternal grandmother is dying. They do not expect her to last two weeks. He won’t fly there to say his goodbyes but he’ll have to fly down for the funeral. I wish we had the funds to get him down there to say his goodbyes but we don’t. So it’s a pick-and-choose at this point. I don’t know. We’ll have to see what happens.

Still have Sugar. Shawna of Megan-Online couldn’t keep her after her breakup with Asshole Boyfriend. I’m hoping, for Shawna’s sake, that my fostering is truly only that: fostering. I don’t mind having a ferret around but if I’d been in her shoes I would have been devastated. We’ve agreed to re-evaluate her circumstances come May.

Smooches.