When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems. No one ever warns or bothers to explain of the heartache life can bring and what it means. When there’s no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within. Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way if you will learn to begin to trust the voice within. Young girl, don’t hide; You’ll never change if you just run away. Young girl, just hold tight. Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day. Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold when you’re lost outside look inside to your soul. When there’s no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within. Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way if you will learn to begin to trust the voice within.
Christina Aguilera – “The Voice Within”

I did a little bit of thinking over the last week. I was examining the person I am now, comparing it against the person who I was even three years ago. I don’t think I am where I want to be just yet but I’ve moved so much closer to that Person I want to be; if anything, I am proud that I’ve moved away from the Me that I hated.

The limits of my patience have been tested time and time again. And even when I feel like I’ve fallen and broken into many pieces, I’ve picked myself back up again and been stronger for it.

The only thing that I still become very fragile about is my father. I can’t even begin to think about what I would have done had he succeeded in ending his life. I can’t imagine it. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it; it’s just such a foreign idea that I cannot even fathom it.

But even that aside, I’ve become a stronger person. I no longer let myself be the doormat for everyone around me. I had always stood up for myself when it came to certain things but I was still very weak. Now? I choose my battles very carefully. I do not flee when I do not want to fight. Rather, I build my strength of will and carefully gather my wits about me so that if I feel like I’ve broken, I can fix myself. No one else will fix me. No one else can fix me.

I think it’s a bit funny that I can see these changes and some people don’t believe me when I say things. Like I mentioned to Rick that I was going to say something to my grandmother about her childish actions and he scoffed at me, pretty much calling me a liar; that I wouldn’t have said anything. It hurt, but only a surprisingly small amount. I think that I have come to accept two things in regards to our relationship:

1. I am willing to pretend to be what he thinks I am.
2. I don’t care that he doesn’t see who I’m becoming.

On the first on, it sounds a bit depressing. But do not take it the wrong way: I am not a butterfly of a girl that he has trapped in a glass jar. I am willing to be patient and continue my growth while I let him catch the glimpses and make his own decisions on what he sees. Until the day comes that we have both decided who I am, I will make the choice on whose version I like better. But until then, I don’t really mind that he doesn’t see me how I would like him to see me. I am content.

Feels like the weight of the world; like God in heaven gave me a turn. Don’t cling to me, I swear I can’t fix you. Still in the dark, can you fix me? Freefall, freefall, all through life. If you love me, then let go of me. I won’t be held down by who I used to be. She’s nothing to me. Feels like the weight of the world; like all my screaming has gone unheard. And oh, I know you don’t believe in me. Safe in the dark, how can you see? Freefall, freefall, all through life.
Evanescence – “Weight of the World”

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and mostly because I haven’t had the mental energy to pull on the emotional strings. Truth be told, I still don’t. But this is a release I require.

On December 11th of 2008, my father attempted to end his own life by means of overdosing on a myriad of anti-depressants and sleep-aid medication at his fingertips. Everything was prescribed to him by his doctors.

Needless to say, the entire ordeal has been very traumatic and has taken a large toll on me mentally and emotionally. Physically I am still exhausted but I cannot attribute that to the events of the last month since I’m used to physical exhaustion.

My dad and I drove out here, leaving San Diego on the 2nd of January with my cat, Lili. She did very well in the car. Dad and I didn’t talk about his suicide attempt or anything of the sort. We reached PA on January 4th and began the process of letting the cats meet and greet each other. My aunt Joyce called me the next day and wanted to get into specifics of the drive while my father was about 30 feet away. Then she gave me attitude about why I didn’t talk to him about his suicide attempt while we were in the car. She acted like I’d failed and that I was pathetic. I’m still so very very angry at her for how she handled everything.

I spoke with my aunt Carol the day after and told her about Joyce and why my dad and I hadn’t talked; he didn’t want to even touch the subject. I read body language very well and pick up on emotions. He very much did not want to talk about it. So I didn’t push. Carol agreed with me, that it was my call to make and sometimes it is better to proceed with life as normal after something like this.

My dad, myself, Rick, and Rick’s parents all went out to dinner that Monday night. It was raining fairly hard and I, as always, told Rick to put his seatbelt on. My father is very adamant about people wearing their seatbelts; he passed this on to his children. Rick, trying to act cocky, gave me attitude about it. My dad piped up with “You owe it to my daughter to wear your seatbelt.”

As I found out yesterday, Rick’s automatic response to that was going to be “and you owe it to your daughter to not kill yourself” but refrained. When he told me this last night, it felt like he’d punched me in the gut. I still haven’t really dealt with things.

I’m still so angry at my father. And I’m terrified, still, that he is going to try again and succeed this time.

Who would give me away at my wedding?
He wouldn’t get to see Kyle graduate.
He wouldn’t get to meet either of my brothers’ First Girlfriends.
Should any of us three have a child, he wouldn’t get to meet his first grandchild.
& he would never be called “Grandpa” to his face.

Ironically enough, I’d mailed a Christmas card out to my father on December 10th that was fairly sappy. It went on to say that I was finally beginning to find myself while I was out here and that I didn’t think I’d have gotten this far without him. He didn’t get the card, of course, until he was out of the hospital and I was there by that time so I didn’t push it upon him for him to read.

I’m just drained. I feel broken.

While I was gone, Rick was so amazing. He was so very patient and kept telling me to stay out in CA as long as I needed to, even though he missed me desperately. It was a waiting game and a day-by-day reanalysis of the situation with no real set date for the return.

But then I got back home and it’s just business as usual. I cry way too often, I’m not getting much help in the apartment, and I feel like he feels I’m just his little housewife because he’s bringing home the bacon. The problem is, I’m bringing home almost 50% of our household income. Yet I’m paying all the bills and I’ve been paying rent since he’d been laid off. Even January’s rent – and I’d missed out on over a week’s worth of pay because my Paid Time Off ran out while I was in CA. He didn’t have the money. So I took care of it. Again.

This month, he supposedly has the rent money already saved up and put away so I don’t have to worry about it. That will be a relief because I seriously ran up my American Express while I was in California. Rental cars, plane tickets, groceries, gas… It was the only way I even had the money in my bank account to handle the rent. Maybe, subconsciously, I knew that was going to happen.

I’m just tired of it. I am not asking to be taken care of. I’m just asking that it not all fall on me. Not the finances, not the chores… none of it.

I just wanna scream and lose control; throw my hands up and let it go. Forget about everything and run away, yeah. I just wanna fall and lose myself. Laughing so hard it hurts like hell. Forget about everything and run away, yeah. So-so’s how I’m doing, if you’re wondering. I’m in a fight with the world but I’m winning. Stay there, come closer it’s at your own risk. Yeah you know how it is life can be a bitch.
Avril Lavigne – “Runaway”

First, I just need to say that if you have a kitten or are getting one and need to get the first shots, check-up, and neutering done: go through Banfield at the Petsmart stores. They have a Wellness program that is like $200-something dollars for the year, payable over 12 months. It covers all the vaccinations and the alteration or declawing. We’ve already saved $500+ on Charlie. Speaking of Charlie, he is getting so big! I think he’s finally reached his full size. He’s grown into his ears! 10 lbs, 6 oz. And he’s not fat! He’s got a bit of what I call a ‘pudge-pudge’ but it’s minimal. He’s a very active cat.

Second, the trip to MI was… well it wasn’t a disaster but I wasn’t comfortable at all. Rick and I left here by like 8am and made it to Grand Rapids, MI in 11.5 hours. Rick did all the driving. (I offered! He refused!) The wedding was the next day. I managed to look hot so that was a huge plus. I got there and found a few of the agents from KW back in Los Angeles who are still friends of Lisa and they’d flown out for the wedding. They didn’t recognize me at first. That was amusing. But then I find out from my aunt Joyce that no one thought I was coming. Why? Because I’d RSVPed but not actually made contact with anyone otherwise to try and find a hotel/lodging or to get directions.

Uh. The address was ON the invite. I work for AAA. I do this shit for a living. Not to mention, I’m a big girl. I can figure out lodging on my own. In fact, I got a really nice hotel room for cheap and it was within 15 minutes of Lisa’s house. Nyaaaaah~! But it really hurt that they all just assumed that I was going to not show up. No, it actually hurt a lot. I get that I haven’t spoken to anyone except for my father since my grandmother’s funeral last year (in August). But it’s not like any of them have made any attempts. It goes both ways.

It was an open bar and everyone was drinking during the short ceremony. I was drunk within 3 hours. Good times. We left shortly after that and drove home the next day.

On Friday, Rick got layed off from his job. They cited the economic troubles, which is good because they can’t try and keep him from getting unemployment.

I’m still not sure what we’re going to do. Everything is up in the air at this point. We don’t know when the unemployment money is going to kick in or how much it is going to be. The only ray of light in this is that this is one of the months that I’m getting three checks. The first check paid October’s rent. The third check will pay November’s rent. The second check will pay my bills and be my gas/food money.

Very stressed right now.

He and I haven’t talked a whole lot yet about the future. Mostly, I think, because we’re both trying so desperately to not freak out and not let the other freak out.

I’m still going to CA, though. My ticket is already paid for. Non-refundable since it was paid for with the points. It would be completely stupid to not take the break I so desperately need.

On a side note: I’m completely in love with the new show Valentine!

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Yeah, you PMS like a bitch. I would know. And you over think. Always speak critically. I should know that you’re no good for me. Cause you’re hot then you’re cold. You’re yes then you’re no. You’re in then you’re out. You’re up then you’re down. You’re wrong when it’s right. It’s black and it’s white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up. You don’t really want to stay, no, but you don’t really want to go.
Katy Perry – “Hot N Cold”

I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I believe that wall is my new found limit. I’m not sure I can take any more while at this wall. I wish he would step up and be the partner I need him to be.

Work is going well in terms of promotion. I’m definitely in the newest group to run the SE gauntlet; we’re being put to the test in various aspects and I’m leading the pack. That sounds really conceited but it’s true. I’ve been told that they’d rather lose me as a dispatcher to gain me as an SE because I have the ability to do the job of 4 dispatchers if the need arises. An SE doesn’t actually do the work of 4 dispatchers but we’ll oversee anywhere from 2 to 4 dispatchers on a normal day and up to 8 dispatchers on an abnormal day.

I proved myself last week when I was overseeing the following: All of Philadelphia, Montgomery, Bucks, Delaware, and Chester counties in PA, the PA mountain regions that we dispatch for, Mercer and Burlington counties in NJ as well as Atlantic City and Cape May county. The other person who was SEing? He had Ocean, Monmouth, Middlesex counties as well as the other random NJ counties… all of which were under tight control by the dispatchers. And he still lost his fucking mind. I wound up taking over half of his half of dispatch so that I was overseeing 3/4 of the center.

I’ve proved myself so much that while we have one supervisor on shift at work, for the last two days, he’s set my phone skills in the supervisor queue and given me temporary supervisor authorization just so I can help him out when he gets backed up. I got to tell someone today that, when they demanded a supervisor, I was it. It was awesome.

Money is a little tight this week. I get paid on Friday so we’ll be fine but we’re still sort of playing Beat The Clock. The rent money should hit the rental office on Thursday and the check should clear the bank on Friday. If it clears on Thursday it will just hit the credit line and we’ll be okay. Still, money will be tight this month:

Bill: Comcast
Bill: PECO
Charlie: Vet (checkup, shots, neuter)
My Car: needs new tires
And then the normal payments I have to make to various banks and credit agencies. I pride myself on never being more than 30 days late on anything. Yay! Go me!

Rick went through a scare at work as they were letting people go again. One of the guys in his department got cut. He seemed to be the only one worth anything so I really worry for Rick’s sanity while at work. But I doubt he’ll actively look for a new job. That’s not really his style. Hell, it’s not even his style to get a second job. I’ve considered it but the only hours I’d be able to work would be a midnight shift somewhere. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that around here given my apprehension about being Out after dark. I’m not exactly a fan of my neighborhood. Ugh.

Going to San Diego in October. Ticket was a whopping $5 (yay airline points) all paid for (money/points) by my mother. That was a huge help there. Also driving to Grand Rapids, MI two weeks before that because my aunt is getting married to her partner. Best wishes to them both.

Congrats to Shawna on her engagement.

Am I missing anything?

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light’s always red in the rear-view. Desperately close to a coffin of hope, I’d cheat destiny just to be near you. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up. If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up, on love. On love.
Anna Nalick – “Wreck of the Day”

Wow, it’s been awhile since my last update. Which is funny because a lot has gone on but nothing so large that it’s really noteworthy.

First and foremost, I move on the 30th to another apartment. We got approved and it will be a one bedroom place. This is really going to be a sort of make-ir-or-break-it deal for us. There won’t be a third wheel to place blame on, no one else to be stressed over. Just me and Rick. And a kitten. And a ferret. And Lili… eventually. We move on the 30th. Today is the 24th 25th. We have very little packed up. So my stress level is rising.

Comcast is just making me increasingly annoyed, though. I’ve tried three times to cancel my cable and phone services with them (and keep the internet) but they’ve screwed it up repeatedly, including a too-early cancellation where I came home and the services were all turned off… a week and a half early. I called them up and they were confused. “Well, M’am, it shows here that you were looking to transfer your services.” to which I said “Yes. On the 30th. As I set up.” The poor male on the other end of the phone got a panicked edge to his voice and quickly put me on hold. They got the dates screwed up.

I was told I could do my cancellation over the internet/chat service they have available. This is how my conversation went: (and yes the analysts moniker was “Princess”)

user Danika has entered room

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:26 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Want to cancel phone and cable service

analyst Princess has entered room

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:35 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello Danika, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Princess. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:29:39 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Hello! How are you?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:51 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine, how are you?

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:30:56 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m glad to hear that you are fine!

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:07 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m fine too. Thanks for asking.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:31:54 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I understand that you want to cancel your Comcast Services. May I know why?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:36 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m moving on the 30th (we have a transfer set up) but the cable is provided by the complex and we don’t need the phone service

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:50 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I want to keep the internet service… I just won’t need the cable/phone any longer

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:09 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> I’m honestly sad upon knowing that and I understand your situation.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:33:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Cancelation is beyond my scope of work. For cancelation of services, please call 1-800-266-2278.

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:37:27 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Oh, I was told by another Comcast representative that I could do it online. My apologies

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:34:55 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> No problem. You really need to call for cancellation of services.

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:35:04 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Is there anything else I can help you with?

Danika(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:38:41 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> OK. Nope, but you have a great rest of your shift

Princess(Wed Jun 25 2008 03:36:02 GMT-0400 (Eastern Daylight Time))> Thank you for that.

I could just imagine this woman sitting there glaring at her screen thinking ‘thank you for the reminder, bitch.’ LMAO

Work has been difficult lately, mostly due to the lack of competent dispatchers available. The only good thing to this is that I’m outshining many and separating myself in terms of being in line for the next open SE position… which is just the next step to management.

But I’m exhausted now. And I’m not even done with Comcast yet. Holy shit I’ve been on the phone for almost an hour now.

Chase the high ground – where you’d rather be; where you might be found. Face all aglow, to leave from here; to pack up and go. But it takes some time to get away and you will have to build from what remains. To run it takes the courage of a lamb. To love, the fierceness of a storm. Paloma, you wonder if you’ll miss the thunder. Everyone’s staring , but no one is caring for you now. Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze. Just take the leap… and you’re free.
Carbon Leaf – “Paloma”

I came home, relaxed for about an hour before going over to Ron’s house to let the dog out and check on the kittens. The plan tonight was that Rick was going to sleep at Ron’s house since he’d have to be over there early in the morning to let the dog out anyway. It would also give me the chance to sleep without him snoring and flopping on me during the night. I’m exhausted and it didn’t really hit me until today just how much so.

Imagine my surprise when I’m in the bedroom cleaning it up and Rick walks in. He said goodnight and that he was going to go brush his teeth and go to bed. I just sort of stood there looking at him and he asked if I was done cleaning. I said I was finished enough and sort of trailed off. He said “Good because I’m tired.” I stared at him and finally said “I thought you were staying at Ron’s tonight…”

Don’t get me wrong. I love him. I do. But I cannot stand when he changes plans at the last minute and doesn’t inform me in any way. It’s bad enough that he rarely lets me in on what’s going on – it’s worse when he can’t even hold himself to those plans. That’s why our anniversary was such a big deal: HE had to make the plans and keep them.

I just want him to talk to me. And he wonders why I don’t bother talking to him – yet he seemingly wants me to check in with him while I’m at work. Sorry, buddy, I don’t really work that way.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart. Think about the heroes saving life in the dark. Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out. Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive. But you still came back for me. You were strong and you believed. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe. Be strong. Believe.
Yellowcard – “Believe”

Same shit, different day.

Rick and I looked into Nolan Park apartments. Very much not my cup of tea but there are enough positives to eclipse the negatives. Namely that Rick’s stepfather is a police officer in Falls Township and that right there makes me feel 10x more safe. If I happened to be home alone and felt unsafe, all I’d have to do is call him and either he’d stop by or send another officer to check on me. No questions asked. There is a full-size washer and dryer in the unit. I don’t remember if there was a dishwasher or not but that’s fine. I do everything by hand 95% of the time anyway. It’s Rick who prefers to use the dishwasher. The place looks straight out of the 70′s but, eh, that’s okay I guess.

Work is a mess. I’m so tired of everyone just being out for themselves. It’s a team atmosphere. If one person fails, it affects not only their booth, but their pod and SE. Then, the angry members filter into the inbound queue and that member could fuck up that dispatcher’s booth. It all rolls downhill at that point. But no one seems to care. I’m tired of picking up the lazy people’s slack.

Angel is coming soon. SOON! Rick got a little frowny at the fact that I took a whole week off, thinking that I’d ‘wasted my vacation’ on her visit. Then I commented that since she’s probably the only one who would be out to visit me, I’d better take advantage of it.

Whatever. I’ve still got more time in my ‘time off bank’ so STFU.

R A N D O M . Q U E S T I O N S . A N S W E R E D
If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be?
LOL like “Tommy February”? Um, December Lily (not spelled right but you know what I mean)

Are you biracial?
Not in the sense of the question but yes. Mostly Irish and Italian. I’m a redhead who talks with her hands

What was the last movie you watched?
theater: Enchanted
at home: Lion King 1 1/2

If you could change one thing that happened last year, what would it be?
1. Stop my dad from doing the electroshock therapy
2. Postpone my move to PA

Are you afraid of shots?
Not afraid but I hate hate HATE needles.

What is the nearest yellow object to you?
Tidy Cats pail

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear?
Hard to say. I’m so auditory that I’d be freaked out about losing an ear. But a hand? Uh… I guess I’d rather lose a hand and use a prosthetic?

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called?
“Freak of Nature” fits nicely.

Who were the last 3 non-related people you hung out with?
Rick, Daniela, Casey, and Jenn. Yes, it’s four. But Rick was most recent and the other three were all at once. So… yeah.

You wait, wanting this world to let you in. And you stand there a frozen light in dark and empty streets. You smile hiding behind a God-given face. But I know you’re so much more. Everything they ignore is all that I need to see. You’re the only one I ever believed in, the answer that could never be found, the moment you decided to let love in. Now I’m banging on the door of an angel. The end of fear is where we begin the moment we decided to let love in.
Goo Goo Dolls – “Let Love In”

First: my pages have been worked on. Links are at the top and to the right. “Mirror Mirror” is my pictures and “The Voices” are songs for download. Enjoy!

I spent today, my day off, doing chores and cleaning like a madwoman. Oh, wait. This is just like every other Monday. The fact that I get little to no help around the apartment with two grown men living here is wearing very thin. None of what I’ve done today has been hard. They’re just lazy. It wouldn’t be as bad if they worked more than I do. But they don’t. I work just as hard as they do yet I feel like it’s expected of me because I’m female. I’ve left things out for them to do, not saying a word… and none of it ever gets done. I finally get so disgusted that I just take care of it myself.

Talked to the woman at the apartment complex I’m looking at. I’d say ‘we’ but Rick hasn’t done much. Just tells me to call them and get it taken care of.

He tried to tell me that all of my worries and stresses have a dollar sign attached to them. Those words just told me that he thinks I’m materialistic or something which pisses me off. The number one cause of relationships failing is money/financial problems. And he just appears to not give a rat’s ass. My instant reaction is to protect and take care of him. It really should be the other way around. He brought me out here. He should Protect and Take Care Of.

They tell you where you need to go. They tell you when you’ll need to leave. They tell you what you need to know. They tell you who you need to be. But everything inside you knows there’s more than what you’ve heard; there’s so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words
Switchfoot – “On Fire”

It’s not that a lot has been happening. It’s more like “the same shit, just a different day” and it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I take a step forward and get knocked two steps back. It feels like I can’t win sometimes. It’s never a good time to talk, it’s always we’ll do this or we’ll do that but these things seem to be forgotten or they just keep getting put off. I love him. But there needs to be more of an effort on both our parts to make this relationship work and make it worth something. Because right now, he’s far too comfortable and I’m far too busy pretending that everything is OK. It’s sad that he only notices when I can’t fool him. To him, I’m just being Moody when in actuality I’m about to Break and he can’t see the difference.

We got our tax returns back – yay! – and mine immediately went into my savings account. His immediately went to pay back the “checking plus” feature on the bank account. Basically, CitiBank has this option to have a Checking Plus addition to your checking account. It acts as a line of credit, covering overdrafts rather than charging you fees. This line of credit, however, accrues interest just as a credit card would. It comes in VERY handy since it is linked to the checking account and can be used to make sure the checks don’t bounce (i.e. RENT…) – but Rick has been making the mistake of referring to it as a credit card. It is not. It is a line of credit that was extended to me due to my own credit. Damn right his tax return goes to pay that off immediately! The rest of it just went to the state of California because he owed $308. I still don’t understand how he owes them money – especially that much. But it has happened every year so far that I’ve known him.

Mine is sitting nice ‘n snug in my savings account (with WaMu) but will undoubtedly be tapped for an emergency coming up in the next few weeks. Rick’s maternal grandmother is dying. They do not expect her to last two weeks. He won’t fly there to say his goodbyes but he’ll have to fly down for the funeral. I wish we had the funds to get him down there to say his goodbyes but we don’t. So it’s a pick-and-choose at this point. I don’t know. We’ll have to see what happens.

Still have Sugar. Shawna of Megan-Online couldn’t keep her after her breakup with Asshole Boyfriend. I’m hoping, for Shawna’s sake, that my fostering is truly only that: fostering. I don’t mind having a ferret around but if I’d been in her shoes I would have been devastated. We’ve agreed to re-evaluate her circumstances come May.

Smooches.

Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around? Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you missed out? Things are never gonna be the way you want. Where’s it gonna get you acting serious? Things are never gonna be quite what you want. Even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
Jimmy Eat World – “Praise Chorus”

We sat on the couch tonight, with me resting against him and legs slung over his lap. “I’m sorry things have been so difficult lately. It’s going to get better.” And I believe him. I don’t need to be some damsel in distress, I don’t need some hero to come and rescue me. But in that moment, I felt safe and I believed him.

Even given my last entry, I believe him. I trust him. He is getting one last big chance. We will live together, by ourselves, with no roommate to contend with. No outsider in our partnership to intrude upon my personal space, no annoyances that I can’t deal with because of my inability to hurt someone I still feel is a stranger. In doing so, it will be the final chance and the final test.

At that point, I’ll have exhausted all my resources, all my emotions, all of my time and energy… and I can let it go. It’s the final piece of my doubts. The last bit of “but what if…” that exists in my mind.

If I am going to pick myself up and put myself back together, I need to erase the final doubt from my mind so that I can breathe freely and know that I’ve made the right decision – either way it goes. I am not setting him up to fail. I am going to see if he succeeds and strengthens us in the process.

Do not cry for me. You can’t fix me, anymore than you can fix anyone who isn’t ready to be fixed. I’m not ready to fixed by someone else. I’ll never be ready. I need to fix myself and regain that piece of me. Just be there to steady me should I stumble on the way. I love you, too.