I am twenty-seven years old. Twenty-seven and a half, in fact, but who uses fractions anymore unless they are really young or really old? I do not think of myself as “old” though I have been late in really starting my personal and home life. No husband, no children, no house to call my own. Hell, I don’t even have a career though I have a very stable–albeit frustrating and stressful–job. But I don’t really feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. It’s more like, “Hey. I’ve made it this far. Congrats, Self!” and I’m pretty okay with that. Am I disappointed that I haven’t done more? Sure. I haven’t traveled abroad yet, I didn’t go to college and do the whole dorm thing, I haven’t set about trying to make a name for myself.
Mostly, I’ve just been trying to keep myself sane since High School. I’ve been one of those calm, neutral people on the outside but on the inside I was screaming and raging and my grip on reality was slipping. There were many days where it was difficult to even pull myself out of bed. I came very close to joining the Navy and held myself back a mere 20 hours before I would have enlisted. There were other factors at play there but regardless; I was very nearly a member of the armed forces. Looking back at that, I cannot even fathom what my life would have been like then OR now. I do not take orders well; I question those above me when I want to know the reasons. I rebel when those reasons aren’t good enough. I would have been one of those that had to be broken down into pieces in order to be reformed into a pretty little soldier. Would I be dead by now? Would I have been shipped out, a living and breathing person only to be shipped home in a box? Or worse? Would I have just been one of the statistics?
I went off on a tangent there. This wasn’t what the post was supposed to be about.
I do not fear growing old. I have realized that I do not even fear aging and not getting the husband, the children, the house. If it happens, so be it. I am not one of those who has to feel accomplished by getting what society deems acceptable for a woman to have in order to be ‘successful’. But I will travel. I will not allow myself to have that regret if I am lucky enough to live into the range of Senior Citizen. A spouse can be settled for. A child can be had through accident or adoption. A house can be purchased or inherited. But to do the things that I do not want to be regretting the lack of later in life? I just need to go out and do them.
Current Mood: 
peaceful
We got a few new people at work. Three of them, in fact. One of them became “mine” and the other two were handled by competent dispatchers. Mine is doing pretty well which pleases me. The other two aren’t doing horribly and that is good as well.
The problem that I am having is that there are people who have been here longer than me (3+ years!!) who cannot seem to handle the job. They make things up, the rules do not apply to them, blah blah blah. These people, naturally, do not admit to making things up or that the rules do not apply to them bit they suddenly are vehemently defending themselves and demanding to know when the rules changes. You know, the rules that have been in place for at least the three years that I have been here? Yeah. Those.
It consistently frustrates me to no end. What is worse is that the newbies are better at the job than most of these people. And not just because they are fresh out of training because the best dispatchers are the ones with experience. The newbies at least KNOW they are knew and are always open to suggestion and correction (unless you were dealing with Jose).
Did I mention that one of the people at the heart of this subject still cannot get my name right? Even after three years of working together? How completely rude and inconsiderate is that? You can’t be bothered to learn my name… do you think you are better than me or something? Because I sure as hell am a better dispatcher.
Is it really just too much to ask that people come in and just do their job? They are collecting a paycheck, so why can’t they be made to do their job and actually DO their job?? I am just so completely frustrated with incompetence and people who think the world owes them something. What exactly makes them better than me that I have to work my ass off but they don’t? Ugh.
Current Mood: 
bitchy
1. Mosquitoes. They bite me and I am allergic. I’m not talking like how everyone has a reaction to the bite. I mean that the spot becomes swollen, red, and hot to the touch. And the expanse of flesh that is affected tends to be between one and two inches in diameter. I got bit above my eye once and it swelled up so bad that people thought I was being abused.
2. Aggressive drivers. There is absolutely no need for you to be riding my ass on a two-lane road when I am in the right lane and already going five to ten miles per hour over the speed limit. It’s not like I’m going slower than the speed limit. It’s not like I am cruising along in the passing lane. It’s not like I got in my car with the intention of pissing you off. You don’t like my speed? Go around me. You will not bully me into going faster. But feel free to try. One of these days I am just going to hit the brakes and claim that I saw a deer. The fault will be yours, I can guarantee it.
3. Hypocrites. People who sit there and bitch about things but then turn around and do the same fucking thing piss me off to no end. Just because maybe you aren’t doing the exact thing/action/whatever doesn’t mean you aren’t a hypocrite. You hate people who don’t respect your religion but then don’t respect someone else’s religion/beliefs? Hypocrite. In fact, these hypocrites are the worst. Oh! Woe is you! You come from a long line of oppressed people and feel like the world owes you something. But then you have no tolerance for someone of a differing religion? No. No, no. It doesn’t work like that. You want people to do some research on your beliefs but then won’t afford someone else the same? Wow. Yeah you definitely are not the bigger person here.
4. Humidity. MY HAIR HATES ME.
5. Whiners. People who think I am in a clique are whiners. At work, especially. I happen to have a particular set of close friends. But I talk to everyone. And yet someone had the balls today to insinuate that I am in a clique at work. Um, no. You’re just too much of an idiot to be in my circle of friends. There is a difference. Get over it and stop whining. You aren’t cool. You aren’t awesome. You are, in fact, incredibly annoying and disgust me on so many levels. GTFO.
I went to the sleep center today for my consultation appointment and left feeling very… well I guess “let down” is a fitting term. They specialize in physical issues that create sleep problems (namely snoring and sleep apnea). The doctor said that it seems like my problems are all environmental. I tried to explain that I can remove myself from specifically detrimental environments and still experience my issues.
Then she came to the brainiac conclusion that maybe I am a “short sleeper” by nature and that most people who are short sleepers tend to think something is wrong with them because they don’t get the recommended 8 hours of sleep per night. I had to, again, explain my perpetual state of exhaustion. If I weren’t always completely exhausted and still unable to sleep, there wouldn’t be a reason for me to be in there in the first place.
They decided to have me go back in for the sleep study anyway, to rule out any of the physical symptoms. I guess that will at least be a starting point. I can the results by the end of the month, too, which is good. Hopefully it won’t be a total and complete waste of my time. I have a lot of issues and maybe fixing just one of them will mean I can sleep. And maybe I need more than just one change/fix. I don’t know yet.
But I can’t keep doing this for much longer. I can feel the negative effect and the toll it is all taking on my body. I am exhausted and only “functioning” most days. It’s hard for most people to see the differences in me because I still run at full speed while at work. They don’t see how exhausted I am, only know that I am “not sleeping well” and attribute it to stress.
I still cannot believe that it is already June. And the second, no less! It’s crazy, really.
Work is… work. We got newbies on the floor as of this past Saturday but I didn’t get mine until today because I was off on Saturday for the Glee concert in NYC. He was described as being the trouble maker and the know-it-all which is part of why he was given to me. They figured that I would tell him about himself and knock him down a peg if he needed to be. But he doesn’t seem like that at all to me. He knows the call-receive part of the system because he was in Call Receive before moving to club 071 for a little while to work in dispatch and then got the job in our dispatch department. So, um, yeah. He knows, for the most part, what he is doing.
And he’s not cocky. He does not hesitate to admit when he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t pause in asking for help. But he’s also not needy. He is like the perfect newbie. My only complaint is that he moves too slow but he will speed up with time and when he gets more comfortable.
I have my first appointment tomorrow with the sleep study center. There isn’t much time for them to actually do anything but I am hoping for a referral at the very least and maybe a prescription for Xanax since that takes the edge off at night when my mind won’t shut off. The constant thinking and worrying is the biggest factor in my insomnia. I’ve tried changing my diet, I’ve done the cut-out-caffeine thing — nothing worked. I got some Xanax from a co-worker when I was in a state of near-panic-attack for several days in a row and after taking that a couple times, I recognized that it was extremely helpful in doing the job. And I didn’t wake up groggy or feel sluggish, as was the case with everything else I’ve tried in the past (even the herbal stuff!)
So here’s hoping. Slowly but surely I am making progress in fixing myself.
Current Mood: 
surprised
Current Music: Glee Cast - Sweet Caroline
My mother has been having a really rough couple of weeks. Now, while she and I don’t exactly get along I can feel for her because her bad luck streak has involved the pets. First Toe died, then Roxy ran away (and came back finally) and now Samantha died. Sam was the dog who sort of came with the house when my mother and her husband bought it. Weird, I know, but she had belonged to a previous tenant when the house was a home for mentally challenged adults. When the tenant left, the dog was left behind and it wasn’t a big deal because she roamed the outdoors mostly.
The house was sold and the owners didn’t know what to do with the dog. Naturally, there were only two options: take the dog to a shelter where she would undoubtedly die or be adopted by our family. Sam was adopted, of course, because we can’t send anything to a shelter. She was a Shih-tzu mix and ugly as hell, completely blind in one eye and her eyesight failing in her other eye. But she was a crack up. Oh, and “outside dog” my ass! On move-in day, she made herself at home in the house and on the couch. My mother fell in love with this dog.
Sam adjusted to life with a new family, two dogs, and two cats. Then one dog and two cats. Then two dogs and two cats. Two dogs, one cat. Two dogs. Three dogs. Five dogs. She just did her thing, acted like a puppy often. Her bark was hilarious because it literally sounded like she was saying “BARK!”
Anyway, my mother had left the fence open around the pool because Lucy was swimming (one of the dogs) and she got distracted, forgetting the close it back up. They left to go do whatever and at some point, Sam wound up in the pool. Sadly, she drowned. My brother found her in the pool. Poor Sam. It kind of surprises me, though, because she had almost drowned before and I had come home randomly to find her exhausted and barely treading water. I would have thought she would have stayed away from the pool after that. Of course, my mother blames herself for Sam’s death. Accidents are called accidents for a reason.
R.I.P., Sam. You were a good, weird little dog.
Current Mood: 
blank
I brought Lili back to the vet yesterday so she could get re-checked and I could get a refill on her prednisone, assuming the vet decided to continue with that type of treatment. There are three vets at the office and I absolutely hate one of them.
Guess which one was working. *headdesk*
Between manhandling my usually calm cat, causing her to get very upset, and him acting like she was trying to claw his face off when she only twitched because he was prying her mouth open very forcefully… to acting like I wasn’t doing enough for my cat to better her condition but then admitting that the prednisone is the only way to treat it…
Do not ever tell me how to go about treatment but then act like I am a bad mommy for doing as I am told! Do not talk over me when I am answering a question you just asked!! I have to go back in one more time to get Lili re-checked after a round of antibiotics and prednisone and I will be making sure it is on a day where he is not working.
Lili is doing better. She is still in “poor” condition because of her mouth but she has improved so much in the last year and a half that it pleases me greatly. Even if all I can do is treat the issue to make her more comfortable, I am okay with that.
I’m off to NYC now, to go see Glee in concert! 
So excited. I am such a Gleek 
Current Mood: 
geeky
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May
26
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Filed under: Oddities | Word Count: 897
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Angel tagged me. *shakes fist*
Rule #1: If you open this you take it.
Rule #2: You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks.
Rule #3: Tag THIRTEEN people.
Answer True or False – NO! I will answer how I please!
Q: Been arrested?
× A: Nope! I don’t hope to be caught, either!
Q: Do you like someone?
× A: OMG like… like-like?? … no. Unless Jensen Ackles counts. But I don’t think he does (in this context).
Q: Held a snake?
× A: True! 5th and 6th grade teacher had one in the classroom.
Q: Been suspended from school?
× A: Nope. Never got caught!
Q: Sang karaoke?
× A: Of course!
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
× A: Yes, unfortunately. But no more! Foot: DOWN.
Q: Laughed until you started crying?
× A: yes! I love it!
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
× A: Yup. I figured, why not? It was snowing.
Q: Kissed in the rain?
× A: No
Q: Sang in the shower?
× A: Not in a long, long time.
Q: Sat on a roof top?
× A: Absolutely! Love it.
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
× A: No. People can’t sneak up on me well enough to catch me by surprise lol
Q: Broken a bone?
× A: came close but no
Q: Shaved your head?
× A: TRUE.
Q: Played a prank on someone?
× A: Pfft. DUH.
Q: Shot a gun?
× A: Of course. Daddy had to teach me how to do so properly.
Q: Donated Blood?
× A: Nope. Ick.
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Kim
2. You texted? … Kim lol
3. You were in a car with? Rick
4. Went to the movies with? Rick
5. Person you went to shop with? Kim (wow…)
6. You talked on the phone? Rick
7. Made you laugh? Pretty much anyone at work from our crazy day.
8. You hugged? My Charlie-bug!
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY…
1. Sun or moon? Moon. The sun and I are NOT BFFs.
2. Winter or Fall? … neither? Ugh. Fine. Fall.
3. Left or Right? Right
4. Sunny or rainy? Sunny. HATE RAIN.
5. Where do you live? Currently in PA
6. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? I have been blessed with a very select few that I can always trust and rely on. Yay me!
7. Do you want to get married? I’m not so sure.
8. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl!
9. What time is it? 3:09 AM
10. Are you afraid of commitment? Nope
11. What is your greatest hope/wish? For my dad to just be happy.
12. Has anyone ever noticed that the number 12 answers love to disappear?
13. Current mood? Blah
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU…
1. Kissed someone? Yes
2. Sang? Yes
3. Listened to music? Yeeeeeessss
4. Danced Crazy? … I don’t dance.
5. Cried? Ugh. Yes.
6. Liked someone you can’t have? Nope.
25 FIRSTS …..
1. Who was your first prom date? Aaron
2. Who was your first roommate? technically Lisa but officially Chris
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? pomegranate martini 
4. What was your first job? Payment processing for Chase Home Finance
5. What was your first car? 1990 Ford Tempo *laughs hysterically*
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? The first one I remember was for Robin and baby Jennifer. They were murdered.
7. Yeah this one is gone, too…
8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Hensley. Which is funny because that was the first class I was in with Angel’s husband LOL
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Florida
11. Who was your first best friend? Jessica
12. Who was your first best friend in high school? Marissa
13. Where was your first sleepover? probably my aunt’s house with my cousins
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? I generally text whoever isn’t around me at the time. Kim, Angel…
15. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsman? My mother’s wedding. And I didn’t want to go *snerk*
16. What’s the first thing you did when you got up this morning? Hit the snooze button four times then finally dragged myself out of bed and got into the shower.
17. What was the first concert you went to? Savage Garden
18. What was the last concert you went to? Elton John & Billy Joel… I’m seeing Glee in concert this week, though!
19. First tattoo or piercing? ears pierced
20. First celebrity crush? Jonathan Brandis
21. Current celebrity crush? Jensen Ackles
22. First crush? *blank look*
23. Current crush? N/A
24. First date? *headdesk* soooo don’t even remember…
25. First time you tied your shoe laces? My old daycare lady’s son taught me. I wasn’t in school yet so that narrows it down to between ages 1 and 4 LOL
Five names you go by:
1. Ha!
2. I’m
3. Not
4. Telling
5. !!!
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. blue warmup pants
2. white tank top
3. … socks?
Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. for it to be July
2. to be debt-free
3. to just be happy
Two things you did last night:
1. wrote up a character profile for a new game
2. didn’t go to bed
Two things you ate today:
1. goldfish crackers that spilled in my bag from yesterday LOL
2. buffalo wings
Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Rick
2. Daddy!
Three things you are going to do today/next 12 hours:
1. Toss and turn and not sleep until after 7am.
2. Sleep… eventually
3. go to work
Favorite beverages:
1. Pepsi
2. cranberry juice
3. strawberry lemonade
I’m not tagging anyone so nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah~!
Current Mood: 
indifferent
Today hasn’t been the best of days. It wasn’t bad–certainly not like last Monday–but it was incredibly frustrating.
First, I couldn’t sleep. I’ve realized that part of my problem is that I just do not want to sleep in my bed. The couch disgusts me so that isn’t really an option, either. So what have I been doing? I have been staying awake until Rick gets up to go to work or when I know that he only has another couple of hours before he has to get up. Since he had to be up between 5am and 5:30am, I just stayed awake. I was still awake after he left and I didn’t fall asleep until around 7am. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t keep waking up at least twice an hour for whatever reason.
Charlie, by the way, refuses to sleep with me having my back to him. He has to sleep against me, preferably with his nose tucked in against my neck and his paws digging into my flesh. You know how cats do that kneading thing? He doesn’t know that he isn’t supposed to “grip with his claws”. Ow. Well this makes me want to move so he can’t do that. Usually he gets the hint. Lately? He just moves to my other side so he can start all over again. He knows Mommy doesn’t feel right and that she’s stressed. What he doesn’t realize is that he’s becoming part of the problem LOL. Oh but how I love my Bug.
I got up around 3pm and immediately jumped in the shower, dressed, and headed out to run errands. I stopped by the vet’s office to talk to them about Lili. That’s when I got really angry. I wanted a refill on Lili’s prednisone prescription. The same vet who wanted to put Lili on a half-pill/day from the beginning but allowed me to go to every-other-day to see how that works, acted like I was an idiot for putting Lili back on the every-day schedule like how he wanted when I realized that every-other-day wasn’t doing her enough good. She couldn’t breathe well until I went to the every-day! He had the balls to tell me, as if I didn’t know (hello, I voiced this concern to him at the start!!) that giving Lili prednisone (2.5 mg, by the way) every day was bad for her. No shit! But it’s working and she can breathe! She isn’t lethargic. In fact, she has been playing occasionally! She is ten years old now and she has never been the playing type. So, fine. I have an appointment for Friday and it had better be with him because I will be giving him a piece of my mind.
I need to find a holistic vet. But I need to keep her on the prednisone until I can find one!
I drove from there to Target and was pissed off by about five or six who had no business being on the road if they can’t drive like a somewhat-competent person. A 4-way stop means that you take turns. I was waiting my turn when this chick rolls up to her stop sign and then proceeds to start going through while I was already doing so! It was my turn, she was next! She had the audacity to honk at me! One person cut me off, I almost got merged into by a dump truck… Oh! And then I got to Target and this woman is waddling down the aisle, coming toward me, and is in the middle of the aisle. Hello! It’s not like she couldn’t see me driving at her! Get out of the way! MOVE! This was really the final straw. I laid on my horn and shrieked “MOVE YOUR FAT ASS!”. She moved. And glared at me as I slammed my foot down on the gas and sped past her.
To reward myself for not killing anyone, I bought a package of Goldfish crackers (my comfort-food snack) and Dollhouse on DVD because it was on sale. Fuck it. I deserved it.
As for the “chores” portion of my title, I have now done 3 loads of laundry and I cannot do any more tonight because it’s getting too late. Next up is cleaning the litter boxes and doing the dishes.
*sigh*
Current Mood: 
irate
Current Music: Glee Cast - Gives You Hell
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May
22
|
Filed under: Oddities | Word Count: 79
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Random blogging prompt:
You can only keep five things you have. What will they be?
Assuming the following: animals are not “things”, “things” = singular item, and “things” are not necessities (everyday clothing or a toothbrush, for example)
1. my passport
2. my laptop
3. my pentacle necklace
4. my grandmother’s pearl necklace
5. my iphone/cellphone
That actually wasn’t so hard to narrow down O__o Then again, I did set limitations for myself because otherwise it would have been: Charlie, Lili, shirt, jeans, toilet paper *laughs*
Current Mood: 
bored
